30 Days of Truth: Day 28-What if You Were Pregnant? What Would You Do?

Oh boy, pregnancy?  At my age?  I'm turning 45 this year, so it would not be a positive thing at all if I got pregnant (especially because my husband has a vasectomy).  If I got pregnant right now, I'd be in a whole lot of trouble and would need professional help from a psychiatrist I think!  If I was younger (in my childbearing years) I would welcome a new baby into the world.  At my age, I don't know what I would do.

30 Days of Truth: Day 27-What's the Best Thing Going for You Right Now?

My family is the best thing going for me right now.  I'm in a really great spot. My husband has a great job as a health care attorney, and he recently made partner. My twenty year old stepson is in the Army stationed in NY. My nineteen year old daughter is a sophomore at Texas Tech and involved in her sorority (ZTA).  My twelve year old daughter is doing well in her seventh grade classes and dancing eleven hours a week. And my eight year old son is also doing well at school in second grade and amazes me every day with his intelligence and insight.

I've achieved the perfect balance of being a person, a wife, a mother, and a professional.  The house is quiet during the day, and I use the time to workout, to learn guitar, to write, to learn math, and to do all the work associated with running a household including the finances.  Once the kids get home, I'm busy with them, and I also tutor math part time. I love that I can use my education and still be a full time mom.  I don't have any of the stress that comes with being a classroom teacher. Instead, I get to experience the enjoyment and fulfillment of working one on one with students on math-a subject I am passionate about. 

I feel very blessed to be in my position, and I'm grateful because my husband and I envisioned this life and built it step by step together. 

30 Days of Truth: Day 26-Have You Ever Thought About Giving Up on Life? If so, when and why?

This one is easy because NO I have never thought about giving up on life. I love my life, and no matter how hard it gets, there is always a reason to live. Especially now that I have children, I can't imagine being selfish enough to give up on my own life. 

I've known friends who have committed suicide, and while they may have found peace, it's so hard for the people they leave behind.

Life is a precious gift, and I intend to use mine to the fullest!

30 Days of Truth: Day 25-The Reason You Believe You're Still Alive Today

Honestly I have no idea why I'm still alive today. It's kind of a weird question.  It makes me think about the difference between determinism and free will.  If our lives are pre-determined, I supposed I'm still alive because I haven't reached the end of my path yet.  If our lives and deaths are created by our free will, then I'm alive because I haven't killed myself, and so far I've been successful in taking the necessary precautions to escape death.

I'm not really sure which theory is the actual truth, and I'm pretty sure nobody else knows either.  I tend not to believe in determinism, but who knows?  If it's in my power, then I do what I can to avoid death by avoiding disease and unsafe situations.  If it's not in my power, then I guess my efforts are futile, and whatever will be will be.

Every action we take creates a ripple effect that leads us down another path.  I read a book once that was all about this topic and whether or not it was possible to have parallel realities (each being different depending on the different choices we make and on the paths those choices lead us down).  It's called One by Richard Bach.

I can only remember one time in my life when I actually thought I was going to die. It was when I hung from the Triboro Bridge in NYC for Greenpeace to protest ocean dumping of toxic sludge. I need to write a separate entry about my experiences while working for Greenpeace. But during that action, we were suspended from climbing ropes above the East River for about nine hours. The police shut down the bridge and there were police cars all over the bridge and police boats in the water. A special operations helicopter flew underneath us with its lights off, which easily could have killed us. That was scary. I also remember when the police at the top of my rope threatened to cut my rope and put frog men in the water to fish me out. I looked up and saw police alongside my support people, and I looked down and saw divers in suits with inflatable boats. I started doing the math in my head, falling close to 150 ft. with climbing rope all around me into "hell's gate" of the East River. I wondered if I would die on impact or drown in the river coiled up in rope as the current sucked me down and spit me out downstream. The action coordinators on the ground handled things perfectly, communicating over radio that we were receiving live international news coverage, and if they cut our ropes they would be killing up to thirteen activists on live television. The police did the right thing, didn't cut our ropes, instead they gave us each an extra safety rope! So, in that instance I owe my life to Dave Hollister who coordinated and managed the entire action and to Scott Stoodley who protected my ropes and anchors and dealt with the police. Thank you Dave and Scott! Here is a picture (I'm the climber farthest to the right):

In hindsight, there were other times I was very vulnerable and could have been killed, but wasn't.  I lived outdoors in Colorado for a year and a half, and when I was in college I camped outdoors all the time.  Luckily, no crazy killers found me.

As an adult, I strive to take care of my health and stay fit to prevent disease. I firmly believe you are what you eat, and I have a weird relationship with foods because of all my allergies/intolerances.  I avoid wheat, corn, sugar, and eggs.  Although it's difficult to eat so clean in our society, it's worth it because I feel better and when I go to the doctor they tell me they never see numbers so healthy in my age group.  And then they ask me what's my secret. And I tell them, I eat right and exercise. Duh!  It seems so simple, but it's difficult to sustain on a day to day basis. 

I believe I'm still alive because I take care of myself and make safe choices in my adult life.  I believe I'm still alive because I've gotten lucky in averting death in the past when there was an opportunity.  I hope to live to be one hundred years old, and I hope to have a long healthy live with my family!

 



My Boy and His Birthday

Thomas lost his seventh tooth today, his last day of being seven. He's barely a little kid anymore. Tomorrow we start a fun weekend of celebrating his eighth birthday. I will visit school and take him lunch and donuts to share with his classmates. He doesn't like cupcakes. So he asked for donuts. We plan to have dinner at Jinbeh (his choice) and then to have red velvet cake (again, his choice) and presents at home afterwards.

We have a surprise present for him. Can't wait to tell him we are going to spend Saturday night at Great Wolf Lodge! It's what he wanted, but he doesn't think he is getting it.

Sunday we will go to Main Event for laser tag, bowling, and arcade games. I've never been there but I've heard it's really fun.

Our little guy is growing up! He came into the world at 4:53am on 11/09/04 with his left hand under his chin. He is a thinker and loves learning. I remember having contractions every fifteen minutes that day, and I tutored a student that evening. It was a peaceful delivery, and our sweet boy has been a blessing in our lives ever since.

We wanted a boy, and we got one! I am so grateful for the gift of having a son. Tomorrow, we will have an eight year old son. It feels like the end of an era of sorts. Only a small window of time left to enjoy his years as a small child. I absolutely love that I can be a mom full time to enjoy it!!

Feel The Emotion In The President

Feel The Emotion In The President

Fired up and ready to go!

 

Today is election day in America.  It's the day we celebrate democracy by using our votes to select the candidate we believe is best for the job. Let's finish what we started and keep moving forward.

 

 I support President Obama.

Growing up in a Washington DC suburb, I remember hearing about presidential politics from a young age.  I met President Carter when I played Suzuki violin with his daughter, Amy.  I went to President Reagan's inauguration.  I went to a pre-inaugural ball for President Clinton's reelection.  I've toured the white house and the capitol building (and many other monuments and museums downtown).  I voted in every election since I turned eighteen.  I'm interested in news and politics, and I'm excited about the election.  I hope we know the results tonight. 

My nineteen year old daughter doesn't want to vote because she doesn't know enough about the issues to decide.  She says she doesn't want to vote for President Obama just because her parents vote for him, and she doesn't want to vote for Governer Romney just because her friends vote for him.  This is the first presidential election she's been old enough to vote, so I can understand that, but I encouraged her to get informed on the issues so she can pick one.  I sent her a link to a quiz to help her.  I took it too.  We live in Texas, and while Dallas County will go to the President Obama, overall it's a republican state.  So, I can see why it's hard for her to decide.  But, I hope she does decide, and I hope uses her vote today. 

The same goes for my twenty year old stepson.  He said he registered to vote, but last time we talked about it, he said he was still undecided also. 

Just remember a few reasons why it's important to get out and VOTE...

• Someone is going to win the election and be president for the next four years. 
• People fought for the rights of black and female voters. 
• Some countries do not live in a democracy. 
• Each voice has an opportunity to be heard.
• Voting is a civic duty.

30 Days of Truth: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Jewel,
You and your music have gotten me through some tough ass days.  When I think about a band or artist who has helped me get through tough times, I think about when my toughest times were. I hit rock bottom when my first husband and I separated, and subesquently, I lived as a single mom for four years in my mom's house (1994-1998).  I had a baby girl (same birthday as you!), and I lived in my mom's basement in Springfield, Virginia (a DC suburb) while I put my life back together..  A long time fan of the DC music scene, I remember when you first played at the 9:30 Club.  Pieces of You was released in 1995, and Who Will Save Your Soul was always on the radio. People told me I looked like you in that video with the girl with a guitar singing in the bathroom.

 

 

Jewel in the video for Who Will Save Your Soul

 

me in 1997

Your voice caught my attention, and your story intrigued me.  Like you, I had lived in my car before. I knew what it was like to be broke.  I knew what it was like to struggle.  I listened to your first album over and over and sang along to every track. I knew all the words by heart.  Who Will Save Your Soul made me think about how we choose to live our daily lives.  Pieces of You pointed out interesting parts of human nature.  You Were Meant For Me was simple yet expressed the pain of heartbreak. 

Previously a granola-type person who didn't shave or wear makeup, I started getting my hair highlighted, wearing makeup, and shopping for a professional wardrobe as I struggled to make ends meet as a single mother.  As I learned to enhance my natural beauty, people kept telling me I looked so much like you.  Being compared to you is a high compliment!  I remember crashing the 1996 MTV Pre-Inaugural Ball in Washington, DC with a girlfriend, and reporters kept asking me if I was Jewel. 

Spirit came out on CD, and I moved to Reno, NV in 1998.  Down So Long, What's Simple is True, Deep Water, and Hands were instant favorites. Again, I loved to sing along with every song.  I'd moved to Reno with a guy, and a few months later, it fell apart (long story).  I met my husband there in 1998 and worked as a teacher for three years supporting my daughter.  We were best friends, and then he stepped up to the plate and asked me to marry him. Shortly thereafter, we got married and had a little girl together in 2000.  Your music inspired me to listen to my heart.  What's simple is true - those words are very true.

In 2001, we moved back to VA so my husband could attend law school.  9/11 happened, and your song, Hands, became one of the songs being played to inspire people.  This Way was released.  Jesus Loves Me, Break Me, This Way, and Standing Still  were my favorites.

From that point on, things in my life have been on an upward trajectory.  As you and your music continued to evolve, I've always been inspired to be "the kind of woman I'd want my daughters to be."  In 2010, I wrote this blog entry and ended it with lyrics from your song, You Are What You Are. 

I play guitar, and I love playing your songs.  I've seen you performing live many times including at Wolf Trap in Vienna, VA, S.Lake Tahoe,CA, and Bass Performance Hall in Ft Worth, TX. Your poetry and song lyrics continue to enrich my life and inspire me to be gentle with myself, to find beauty in the world all around me, and to follow my intuition for it will surely lead me in the right direction.  My deepest gratitude for you and your music.  Thank you Jewel!

Sincerely,
Susanne Nelson

Worst Teacher of the Year

What the hell is wrong with our elementary school? In general, I support all schools and teachers. I have deep respect for the hard work they do. But when something happens or is said that I disagree with, I stand up and speak my mind.  Isn't that my right as a parent? 

We have butted heads repeatedly over the years over a few issues: supervision and homework (or lack thereof). Every time there is an issue, my concerns fall on deaf ears. The only way I've gotten any concerns addressed is to go above their heads to the district.

Yesterday, I went to school for Special Friends Day with my second grade son. I was excited I could be there since the past two years I was a working mom and had to miss it. My mom in law was there too. We had lunch with him outside and then he started playing soccer with other boys since it was their recess time. My mom in law and I got to talking, and I didn't see what happened, but he came out upset and crying saying the other team was cheating and that one boy gave him a red card and kicked him out of the game. I told him there are no referees in the game and that another kid can't just kick him out. I told him to go back and play and that I would stand up for him if the boy started messing with him again. So I started paying more attention to the game.

A few minutes later, that same boy started fighting with another boy. They were kicking each other repeatedly, punching each other and slamming their bodies into each other. I watched and looked around for a teacher, but nobody else was watching. I stood up, called my son over, and broke up the fight by telling the boys to stop it. My mom in law took away the soccer ball because they were fighting, not playing.

I thought the school should know there was just a fight, so I sent my son over to tell a teacher who was watching the playground (with her back to the soccer field.)  In the past when I was working as a teacher, no matter what school or what state I was in, there was zero tolerance for fighting.  Kids had consequences.  I figured the teachers needed to know so they could handle it.  I watched as my son told the teacher, and I watched as she dismissed him and kept chatting with a mom with her back to the soccer field.  My son came back to the blanket, and I asked him if she was going to do anything about the fight, and he said he didn't know.  My mom in law and I looked at each  other in disbelief and sat there watching the teacher and wondering if she was going to act on the information she had just received.  No such luck, she continued to stand there chatting with a mom.  So, I decided to say something to her myself.

I walked over to her and excused myself for interrupting her very important (not) conversation with this mom and asked her if she was going to do anything about the boys fighting.  At first, she said she was just told about it and would deal with it later.  I repeated my concerns wondering if she was going to do anything about it at that moment, since there were adult witnesses and the boys were now dispersing.  She mocked me, slapping her hand on her thigh and using a fake voice to say, 'well, I will just get right on that! I will do something right away.'  Then she turned to keep chatting with the mom who was standing there. I stood there giving her a hard stare until she took some action.  She called one boy over, and I heard him say, "I wasn't really fighting."  So I replied, "yes he was!"  Then things took a turn for the worse.

The teacher then turned around and came at me with her finger pointed, raised her voice, and got in my face telling me that I have 'no control there' and that 'if I wanted to continue talking to her about this incident that I needed to go inside because I was embarassing her.'  She told me I needed to go inside so we could talk with an administrator, to which I replied that I'm sure it was very embarrasing for her since she was the only teacher on duty and kids were fighting and she wasn't doing anything about it.  Like this conversation with this mom standing there was more important that the safety of kids who were beating each other up??

So, I gladly obliged.  Sure, let's go inside and talk to an administrator, why not.  We go inside, and we find an administrator, and we sit down, and the first thing she says is, "I'm so pissed."  How professional?  Let me get this straight.  Two boys beat each other up.  No teacher is watching. No teacher does anything about it.  When I tell a teacher and ask her to act on it, I am the one at fault and am sent to the office.  SHE is the one who is angry, and MY behavoir is inappropriate, not the behavior of the fighting boys.  Really? 

She is the first to speak and unleashes with lies.  Apparently, I walked up to her and started yellling at her. Apparently, I attacked her, and this is her defense.  Whatever.  I got a chance to speak my side of the story, and after I explained the urgency of the issue in my opinion, the AP replied with, 'well we aren't into public humiliation, and we aim to preserve the dignity of the child, so I'm going to go on the assumption that you (the teacher) were going to look into it later.'  To which I replied that not issuing immediate consequences gives a couple messages:  that if you get in a fight at our elementary school, nothing is going to happen, and that the conversation with the mom was more important than the kids' safety. I didn't understand how they expected to get to the bottom of things later in the day once the adult witnesses were gone and the kids were going to lie about it. 

It was clear the teacher wasn't going to do ANYTHING about the fight.  She was too busy chit chatting with another mom to even care about what just happened.  The AP pointed out that we have a philosophical divide - that I expected immediate consequences, and that's just not how they do things at our school.  She did assure me there were consequences for fighting, and that they would look into it.  She did her best to defend her teacher, which is what she should do.  But, in my opinion, there is no defense of a teacher who turns her back on the report of kids fighting and who acts so unprofessional to a parent with a concern.  All she had to do was excuse herself from the mom she was talking to, call the boys over and deal with the conflict.  Is that too much to ask? 

Instead of the boys getting in trouble for beating each other up, I was the one who was out of line apparently.  I was the one sent to the office. I was the one she was "pissed" at.  What message does that send to the children?  She is the most unprofessional teacher I have ever dealt with.  I have never seen a teacher wag her finger in my face and yell at me over something the kids did.  In my opinion, she is the worst teacher I've ever met.  It makes me sick that the administration backs this and other behaviors in the past.  We still have three more years at this school, so wish me luck. I'm going to keep being myself and standing up for my kid and for what I think is right for kids in general.

Here's a quick recap of past conflicts:

1. No homework. They formed a committee of parents and teachers who decided homework isn't beneficial unless it's purposeful and meaningful (duh). So instead of assigning purposeful and meaningful homework, they decided no homework. I fought the battle again this year when my son's second grade teacher wrote home saying there wouldn't be any homework.  I opposed, and she replied saying they adopted the district guidelines.  I searched the district guidelines and sent them to her and the principal.  The guidelines are about high quality, meaningful homework, not NO homework.  The teacher and principal stopped answering me and told me to talk to the district.  I did. The district said they are NOT a no homework district, and they tried to tell me my school is aligned with their guidelines.  Once I sent the email saying there is NO homework, she said it must be some kind of misunderstanding.  In the end, she offered to send home a workbook that goes with the math series. That's all I wanted in the first place. I can't believe it was so hard to get some homework for my child when it was clearly available all along.  I don't appreciate being lied to either. I don't appreciate that the teacher and principal stopped being responsive.  I don't appreciate that they lie and do what is easiest on them.  It's absolutely ridiculous.

2.  Supervision: 

• Instead of hiring substitute teachers, they let parent volunteers manage classrooms for half days while the staff meets for PLCs (Professional Learning Committees).  Parent volunteers are only background checked in the state of Texas.  So a child molester from another state can easily be in charge of my kids' class one day just because my elementary school wants to save some money and not hire a sub!
• When my middle daughter was in third grade, her teacher left the class alone so she could take boxes out to her car.  It was toward the end of the year, and she was moving classrooms the next year.  So she decided to ask a couple kids to help and she left the class alone.  Well, my daughter had to go pee.  She is a rule follower and didn't want to leave the classroom without permission.  So what happened? She peed her pants!  Then the kids went running next door saying, 'we need a teacher, she peed her pants!'  My daughter came home humiliated. When I talked to the principal about it, she tried to appeal to the fact that I've been a teacher before, and she said you know there are times when you have to leave your classes alone.  OK, like maybe in an emergency, or maybe if you are having a bathroom problem, or something I can see running out for a few minutes if you have to.  But you are supposed to get coverage.  You are supposed to reserve those times to absolute emergencies.  You aren't supposed to leave your class alone to take things to your car. That is NOT an emergency! 

I'm sick of lazy teachers. I'm sick of lazy administrators. I'm sick of people around here being fake!  Do what's right for kids. Watch them with your eyeballs.  Try to challenge them. Teach them study habits.  And act when something goes wrong.  That's all I ask.

30 Days of Truth: Day 6-Something You Hope You Will Never Have to Do

I hope I never have to bury one of my kids. That may be a morbid thought, but it's real. It would be hard enough to lose a spouse. I can't imagine losing a child. I hope I never have to find out what it's like.

Saying a special prayer of loving, positive thoughts for all those parents out there who have lost a child <3

30 Days of Truth: Day 5-Something You Hope to Do In Your Life

"Heaven is finding happiness right where you are."

I hope to reach enlightenment if there is such a thing. At least that's what I strive for. I read this quote and although I'm not sure who wrote it, I love it. It fits the Buddhist ideas of releasing attachments, karma, and accepting impermanence on the path to spiritual enlightenment. Attachments cause suffering, and to be truly happy we have to learn to let go and go with the flow. I'm not a Buddhist, but I like these ideas for living. I'm practicing and learning these lessons every day. I count the many blessings in my life and aim to let go of negative experiences and work through obstacles. Most of all I hope to live a long healthy life with my family, and I hope to be the best person I can be.

Daybook



 

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com

FOR TODAY  August 26, 2012

Outside my window...it's a cloudy day. 

I am thinking...about the kids.  Sierra had a busy week with her sorority doing rush.  We haven't had much of a chance to talk, but she seems to be very happy.  She sent pictures from her newly decorated apartment.  Brent graduates from boot camp soon.  We want to send a present to congratulate him on his accomplishment.  It's been great to keep up with what his company is doing on facebook. They've also posted several pictures.  Zoe and Thomas start school tomorrow (seventh and second grade respectively).  Zoe is out with her gram gram getting her nails done and her hair cut right now.  Thomas met his teacher this week and is all ready for the new school year.  Zoe is ready to go back and see her friends. 

I am thankful...for my family and friends.  Had a fun time this week making new friends on a girls' night out and also visiting with neighbors at happy hour last night.  I am thankful Joe made partner at his law firm this week!  It was his first time up for it, and he made it. Amazing!  I'm thankful for plenty of students to tutor.  It's been really fun helping kids fill gaps and get ready for the new school year this summer.

In the kitchen...baked chicken, leftover meatballs w/ marinara sauce, going out to dinner tonight, so not cooking anything right now.

I am wearing...black yoga pants and a gray and white striped tank top.

I am creating...learning more about playing the guitar - this week learned more notes to play when soloing.  Here are a couple of the songs I'm playing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhcnKYvzfZc  (Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRsJlAJvOSM  (Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton)

I am going...to PF Chang's for dinner with my in-laws to celebrate Joe making partner.  They have a great gluten free menu, so I can eat there.

I am wondering...how the first day of school will go for the kids tomorrow.  Sierra starts college sophomore classes.  Zoe starts second grade. Thomas starts second grade.  He said it's his goal to make at least one new friend on the first day of school.

I am reading...

I am hoping...for more sunny afternoons at the pool before it closes.

I am looking forward to...the house being quiet tomorrow.

I am learning...trigonometry on www.khanacademy.org

Around the house...laundry and dishes need doing.  Our housekeepers came a few days ago, so all the deep cleaning is done.  Zoe (12) does her own laundry now. My challenge is keeping up with mine, Joe's, and Thomas's.

I am pondering...what meals to make this week.  It will be the first week back at school, and I tutor after school and the kids have sports too.  We will be busy!  I want to make up a plan so I will be prepared and not have to drive through and eat junk food because it's quick. 

A favorite quote for today...
The most important pieces of equipment you need for doing yoga are your body and your mind.

Rodney Yee

One of my favorite things...yoga class on Sunday mornings. 

A few plans for the rest of the week:  tutoring after school and running Zoe to all her dance classes.  Thomas has early dismissal Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday this week. Taking him back in on Wednesday afternoon for assessment. 

A peek into my day...

Terms of Endearment

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086425/plotsummary

I watched Terms of Endearment the other night with Joe and Zoe. Joe had never seen it before, so it was on our 'to watch' list for a long time.  Zoe and I both cried a few times. Joe, not so much.  I don't know why I do it to myself, and I don't get why Joe doesn't feel moved by it, but I love watching this movie even though I cry every time.  It's touching.  I'm such a girl.

It's about life, love, and loss.  It's about the beauty and joy that life brings along with the sorrow and challenges that present themselves.  It's about family dynamics, between a mother and daughter, a husband and wife, and between mother, father, grandmother and children.  It's profoundly realistic, a movie we can all relate with.  No wonder it won awards.  Here is a list of some of the life lessons in this movie:

• Mothers and daughters don't always agree on things, but the lucky ones get along anyway.  They talk on the phone and try to understand each other when one is upset.  If they don't understand each other, they take time apart but love each other unconditionally. 
• Husbands and wives may love each other but don't always meet each other's needs.  It takes communication and dedication to the family.  
• Kids are damaged when they see and hear their parents fighting, yet there is unwavering love between a mother and her kids no matter what. 
• While all parents can't be perfect, we are all doing the best we can in juggling our desires and responsibilities. 
• Marriage is never easy. It takes compromise on the parts of both parties, but together you can take steps to do what's good for your family. 
• You are never too old to fall in love.
• Life can grab you by surprise when you least expect it. 
• When you find out you are going to lose someone, your entire perspective shifts. 
• When you do lose a loved one, you are faced with a choice of crumbling or doing what you have to do to continue living. 
• The spirit of a lost loved one lives in the hearts of all those who knew and loved that person.
• Life goes on.

In Search of Good Parents

I put so much pressure on myself to be a good mom.  Sometimes I feel that I spend so much time in my head dealing with Susanne's world that I wonder how good of a mom I am being.  I never got my bucket of self-esteem filled when I was a kid, and now it's my turn to fill my kids' buckets.  There is a lot I need to do to meet my own needs, and sometimes those things require me to be unplugged from my kids.  I do yoga and play guitar. I am working on a blogging habit.  I do math and tutor math.  I work out and do a lot to keep up with my health.  So how am I doing at being not only a person, but a mom?  I asked my kids to grade me as a mom with the following grading scale: A is excellent, B is above average, C is average, D is needing improvement, and F is failure.  My seven year old (boy)gave me an A-.  My twelve year old (girl) gave me a B-.  And my nineteen year old (girl) gave me an A. It's noteworthy to me that the tweenager graded me the lowest, and I suspect that's because we are currently having issues around allowing her more freedoms.

What are they grading me on?   I am pretty sure my kids would tell you I'm a lover, and that one of my favorite things to do is snuggle and cuddle.  I hope they would tell you they know how much they are loved and cherished.  I hope they would tell you they feel strong in who they are and that they believe in themselves.  I want them to dream big and take baby steps every day to realize their dreams.    I am learning to meet them halfway in their struggles and want them to feel like they can openly communicate with me.  I work on finding that fine line between providing structure and accountability and also allowing free time and opportunities for imagination. 

I wonder if I'm involved in their lives at school enough.  And I wonder what their childhood memories will be like when they are adults.  Because I'm becoming more aware as an adult of the effects my own parents had on me, it makes me super sensitive about the fact that each of my children were born uncarved blocks.  Everything I do and say writes on the slates of who they are and who they will become.  It's an amazing responsibility, one that I gladly signed up for, yet I am still learning to meet.

What is the definition of a good mom anyway? Every family is different. Times have changed over the years. Women are now juggling family and careers. Usually we look at the model of our own parents, but in my case looking at my parents as role models launches me into a fantasy land of ideal parents since I didn't have them.   Ideally, a 'good' mom loves her kids unconditionally, encourages and consoles them, disciplines and guides them. She shops and cooks, does laundry, and keeps the house clean. She keeps herself in good shape and pursues her own interests.  She looks nice when she goes out, and provides healthy meals and snacks for her growing family. She decorates the house to make it look lovely for her family and any guests that might stop by. She helps with homework and tells bedtime stories. She keeps track of all the appointments, signs all the important papers, and reminds kids to take their medicines on time.  She provides opportunities for her kids to learn and thrive.  A good mom does all these things and more and maintains composure in the midst of stressful times.  Good moms don't yell, well they don't yell very much.  Moms are human after all. 



For me, it is too much pressure (self-imposed I admit) to meet all those expectations to the tee.  I make those my goals, and I'm learning to accept it when I fall short.  One area where I fall short is the keeping the house clean part.  I refuse to do it all by myself even though I stay home full time.  We've broken up our chores in the house so the older kids do their own laundry, and nobody is stuck with cleaning the kitchen all the time (we split up breakfast, lunch, and dinner dishes).  Whoever cooks dinner never has to do the dishes too.  The kids are responsible for their own rooms, and we also split up the other common areas.  Did I also mention we have housekeepers? They come every two weeks, thank God! Because of chronic back pain, the deep cleaning would never get done if we didn't have help.  We barely keep up with the dishes, laundry, sweeping, and trash on a daily basis.   I resist the idea that it is strictly the mom's job to keep up with the entire house.  I resist the biblical idea that I was created from a man's rib and am here to be his 'happy helpmate.'  In my house, mom and dad are a united front and a team.  We teach our kids responsibility from an early age so they can also be part of the team. 

I am also a tough customer when it comes to my expectations of my husband to be a good dad.  He fits the bill.  He stepped up to be Sierra's step-dad when he didn't have to.  Commitment and a willingness to be a father is a very sexy trait in a man.  He went to law school and works hard at a great job to support us.  He fathered two more children with me after we got married.  He provides a comfortable home and lifestyle for us. He spends time with each child and develops relationships with each of them separately.    He drives the whole way to Florida and back on our vacations, loads and unloads the car. He literally does all the heavy lifting. 

Sierra's dad (my ex husband) is on the receiving end of my wrath because he fails at his duties. I won't drag him through the mud here. But I will say he is an absent father to Sierra. It breaks my heart for her, but I've accepted I can't make him be the kind of man he should be. And I'm forever grateful joe stepped up to be her stepfather! He can't replace her biological father, but he sure plays the role of her father every day through thick and thin. She turned 18 last year and changed her last name to Nelson to reflect how she feels about the men in her life.

It takes so much more than the act of creating a child to be a good parent. When I was born, my dad was cheating on my mom, and they separated when I was six months old. Apparently he didn't tell me he loved me during my first five years of life (important formative years). He paid monthly child support and advised us to rise to the top and stay there academically. But he wasn't exactly what I would call involved. Once-yearly visits stretched out and tapered off as we were teens, and I remember being sad that I was a girl and my Korean father had been raised in a culture that favors boys. I didn't understand why, but I saw it first hand when birthdays came and went without phone calls or cards, yet my brother got them.  He took us to play golf, paid my brother a dollar and me a quarter to be his caddies.  I got the message that I was not as worthy as my brother, and it was because I was a girl (something I had no control over).  So my reaction was to rebel. I thought that was stupid, and I thought he was stupid, and from then on I didn't want to listen to a word he said.  Although he worked at Cornell University and expected me to go there, I didn't get in and pursued a different path.  Perhaps my underachieving at school was my passive agressive way of saying don't tell me what to do. 

My mom raised me and my brother as a single mom working three jobs to make ends meet.  She was wounded in her own ways by her own parents and other outside factors and had difficulty raising a rebellious kid like me.  Affected by several mental health diagnoses, but in denial and non-medicated, she made sure we both knew we were loved, but there was also a lot of discord in my childhood home.  There was a lot of yelling and anger.  There was emotional manipulation.  There were guilt trips.  There absolutes like you 'must' do this and you 'must not' do that.  From an early age, I set out to get attention and validation elsewhere and became hell bent on creating a family of my own that would be different from the one I was born into. 

So here I am today, the engineer of a new family. I have the power to break the cycle of neglect and emotional abuse. My aim is to be the kind of parent I never had. Above all, I want my children to know they are ok the way they are because it's something apparently I never learned. It's harder to learn that as an adult. Looking at my kids, I'm filled with pride. They seem pretty well adjusted and that they live safe, comfortable, and happy lives. Zoe and Thomas have the incredible gift of growing up with both parents in the home. I'm going to keep loving all the kids and being the best mom I can be, even if I don't get strait As.

Daybook

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

FOR TODAY  August 4, 2012

Outside my window...it's the sun if finally on its way down.  No clouds today.  It's been so hot all week with temperatures above 100 pretty much every day.  Clear blue skies, another nice day in Texas if you can survive the heat.

I am thinking...about the big kids. Sierra just started her new job today. Brent is on a short break from boot camp. It's so nice to be able to text with them. Happy for both of them that they are out there in the world pursuing their interests.
I am thankful...for our house, for my family, for my health.

In the kitchen...chicken, potatoes, salad, chardonnay, spaghetti-o's (Thomas had a craving).

I am wearing...blue soffe shorts and a green pensacola beach tank top.

I am creating...just wrote a blog post about how I fell in love with math.  Going to play some more guitar tonight.  Working on a few songs including this one.

I am going...to yoga class in the morning. It's a great way to unwind and focus on the moment.

I am wondering...

I am reading...over my high school and college transcripts.  What a long strange trip it's been!

I am hoping...to lose weight.  Gaining, not losing...:(

I am looking forward to...seeing Sierra at the end of the month to move her into her new apartment at college.  I didn't get out there to see her at all last year, and I'm looking forward to being part of her world at school this year.  She's working now and will be moving into an apartment with other girls.

I am learning...to be the best mom I can be.  It's hard sometimes because I didn't have the greatest family growing up.  Parents divorced and my mom had it rough raising me and my brother.  Learning to be a different mom than the one I grew up with.

Around the house...a few baskets of laundry patiently wait for me.  Other than that, things are pretty under control.  Our fence outside needs fixing in a bad way and our landscaping guy won't return our messages, frustrating!

I am pondering...if I will ever be free from pain.

A favorite quote for today..."Wasn't it beautiful when everyone believed in you, and you believed in everything?" Taylor Swift

One of my favorite things...hugs!

A few plans for the rest of the week...family day tomorrow (probably the gym and pool) and tutoring a few kids this week.

A peek into my day...

Daybook

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

FOR TODAY: July 25, 2012

Outside my window... Powder blue sky, a few lonely clouds, green grass, oak trees, manicured lawns and big brick houses.  It's still hot although it's 7pm.  I'm nestled in my comfy neighborhood back in Texas after a week in Florida. 

I am thinking...about so many things...the kids..the bills...my schedule...  I'm thinking about Brent at boot camp and wondering how he is handling all the challenges in his training.  We heard from him about a week ago, and he sounded good. He said he is learning a ton.  The Colorado theater shooting happened while we were on vacation, and I've been thinking about that a lot too.  The shooter...the victims...guns...going out in public etc..

I am thankful...Sierra made it safely on her first solo drive to Lubbock.  She and I are so different with highway driving.  I learned how to drive in Washington DC and have always been a confident driver.  She is scared of driving on the highways and has never made the trip by herself.  She looked up an alternate route that kept her on major highways without a lot of interchanges.  She went back to school early to get a job before rush starts and found a job waiting table right away! 
     I'm thankful Zoe and Sierra are getting along better now and have come a long way in developing their sisterly relationship.  I've always wanted to have a sister.  They are lucky to have each other.  They are seven years apart, so it's been kind of rough sometimes with both of them in different stages most of the time.  I think this summer they both realized what it's like to be in the other one's shoes and are starting to understand how lucky they are to have sisters even though there is a big age gap.
     I'm thankful for getting to spend today with Thomas (since Sierra left for college and Zoe is sleeping over at Joe's mom's).  He is such a good sport when I want to drag him around for girl stuff like getting my nails done today and registering Zoe for dance classes.  We had some lunch and went to the pool.  He said, "hey mommy - win/win - you can swim laps and I can go down the waterslides!"  He joined me in the lap lane for a while and then we played in the family swim area too.  He is working on going all the way across the pool and today asked if I thought he might be able to become an Olympic swimmer one day.  I told him he can be anything he wants. It just takes work and practice.  He seems turned onto the idea of exercising today.  That's awesome. 
     I'm thankful for Joe.  He is my rock, my soft place to land, and my person.  He is the strong husband and father in the family.  He takes care of all of us. He works really hard to support us and the lifestyle we have.  He loves me just they way I am and supports me in whatever I want to do.

I am learning... to develop my blogging habit.  I've been working on it off and on over the years and now that I'm home full time again, it's fun to get back to writing down some of the many thoughts that run through my complicated mind.  It gives me a way to structure my thinking and to share my thoughts with my friends. 
     I'm still learning guitar.  I downloaded the Ultimate Guitar app on my iPhone and I love looking up songs that I hear to play.  I'm getting better, but I still have a long way to go.  I would still love to get better on my electric guitar, just need to carve out more time to practice.
     I'm also learning Trigonometry.  I need to write a blog about my love affair with math to explain my history, but suffice it to say I didn't know I liked math or was good at it until I became a teacher.  I want to go back and keep taking classes as time allows.  I've downloaded the Trignometry class from Khan Academy on my iPhone too, and I watch the online lessons and do the practice problems.

In the kitchen...grass fed beef is thawing.  Thomas wants Hamburger Helper Stroganoff tonight (yuck!), so I will probably stir fry some veggies with the meat separately and then make the stroganoff with the rest of it. 

I am wearing... my bikini (we just got home from the pool), black nike shorts, and a lime green tank top that says LIVE LOVE SURF Pensacola <3

I am creating... this blog!  Working on writing about my life and my thoughts without fear of who reads it. 

I am going... to PT tomorrow.  Still having lots of back pain, working on core stabilization and spinal strengthening. 

I am reading...can you believe I'm still on Hunger Games? I think I started it months ago. I'm almost at the end, but I hate reading fiction!  HAHA.  I like to read, but I gravitate to non-fiction.  I have to work on my fictional reading habit just like I have to work on my writing habit.  I'm so much more of a math and science person.  I read a ton of news articles and non-fictional stuff every day, but I admit reading fiction is like pulling teeth.  I saw Hunger Games, and I liked it and heard the books are better, so I'm trying.  I'm toward the end where Katniss and Peeta are still in the cave. She has the extra supplies and his leg is healing, but they are still there.  I've seen the movie, so I don't really care to finish the book, but I heard the book is different, so I do still want to finish it sometime.

I am wondering... how to handle a situation with my mom.  We've had a long history together, and although I know she loves me, I am not able to have a relationship with her.  We haven't spoken since Thanksgiving. She came here and got really upset and changed her ticket and left early then blamed everything on me.  It's very complicated. I hate that we don't have a relationship but I don't know how to fix it.

I am hoping... to lose about ten pounds.  I will write a separate post about diet and my allergies.

I am pondering... what makes some people so into facebook and others not.  The other day, Joe and I were talking about facebook like we often do.  I'm a big fan and am an active user.  I have lived in many places and experienced many things, and I know people all over the world whom I communicate with via facebook.  I've always been an extrovert, so it makes sense that I love social media.  I connect with people in real life too, but seriously I have many friends who live in facebook land, and without facebook I wouldn't be able to keep in touch, see pictures of their kids, or hear about their lives.  I frequently tell Joe about things I post and ask him if he has seen them.  His usual answer is no.  If something's important, I'll ask him to go and look at it and tell me what he thinks about it.  Since I've been blogging again recently, I decided to also create a facebook 'fan' page for my blog...not so much to amass fans (although that would be great) but to have one place for all my blog posts instead of having them mixed throughout my timeline obscured by other posts about what I'm doing or what I'm listening to or links to other interesting sites or pictures I've posted.  When you create a page, you invite people to 'like' it so they will get your posts in their news feeds.  I invited all my facebook friends to like my page, and I noticed my husband, my most important person in the world didn't like it yet, so I asked him if he got the invitation or if he had read any of my recent posts.  His response was, "I never think to check facebook."  I was speechless.  The words echoed in my head again as I struggled to understand them.  We don't live on the same planet.  I have to try NOT to check facebook too much.  How can people never think to check facebook?  My first impulse is to explain it by saying he has both his parents and had his needs met as a child, so that must be why he doesn't reach out to others as much as I do.  (I didn't have both parents, I didn't have my needs met as a child, and I've always reached out to friends for connection and validation to compensate).  I've always been a "friends" person.  These days many of my friends live in the computer, so I'm always thinking about connecting and learning things and sharing ideas and expressing myself.  If you're reading this, you are probably like me. You're online on facebook or have arrived at my blog through twitter or the daybook or what have you.  I truly ponder what makes people so different on a basic level like that.  Why is it so easy for Joe to never think of facebook?  His answer is that he is too busy in the real world to care about the virtual world.  He reached over, poked my leg, and said, "I like you Susanne and I like Susanne's World.  I just like Susanne's real world."  That meant a lot.  It's real, and it counted way more than getting 100 likes on facebook.  I'm sure there is a happy medium between never checking facebook and checking it all the time.

I am hearing... Alaine, "Sacrifice"  I still remember the first time I heard this song, on the way down the mountain on our last day in St. John, USVI in 2007.  I thought it was Madonna!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Ll1VxrFARU

A favorite quote for today..."Be yourself. The world worships the original."  Ingrid Bergman

One of my favorite things... got a mani/pedi today!  Thomas was happy to come along with me because the ladies let him sit in a massage chair. He loved it!

A few plans for the rest of the week: PT and allergy shots tomorrow, allergy shots for Thomas on Friday, a little shopping to get the kids ready for soccer camp next week. Grocery shopping at Sprouts!

A peek into my day

Which Rules Are Made To Be Broken?

     Is your kid on social media yet? Did you know the minimum age to be on sites like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram is thirteen? I know so many people who allow their kids to fudge their ages to get on these sites. So many in fact that it makes my daughter stand out among her peers for abiding by the rules. I talk to other parents about it and the pressure it puts on my kid, and the common response is that they are 'almost' thirteen so it's ok. One parent even put the onus on me to keep an eye on his kid since I'm on and he's not.

     I'm a math person, and numbers are absolute. Maybe I take things too literally, but twelve is not equal to thirteen. It's like saying well my kid is almost sixteen so he can go ahead and drive or my kid is almost eighteen so she should be able to vote and join the armed services or hey my kid is almost twenty-one so he can go ahead and drink. Some rules are made to be broken, and rules are broken all the time. It makes me wonder which ones are worth fighting to keep and which ones are ok to bend. It's a personal decision for every parent, and it's a tough one in my house because I have two tween daughters. One is twelve wishing she was an older teenager, and the other is nineteen thinking she's a full fledged adult. I empathize with both of them. I've been their ages once, and I sure broke a lot of rules. The drinking age in DC was only eighteen when I grew up and thanks to a lookalike at high school, I had a fake ID and was able to get into bars and clubs to see shows on the weekends. Now that it's my turn to be the mom, I find it hard to teach kids how to follow rules when they see their friends breaking them all over the place.



     In Texas, there's this thing affectionately called the "bubba law" which says if bubba wants to have a drink with his underage kid he is allowed to. If underage kids are with their parents, they are allowed to drink alcohol. I swear it's true. I heard about it straight from a police officer when we moved to town. In Virginia there were specific guidelines about at what age and how long can you leave your kids at home alone. So when we moved to Texas I asked the police what their guidelines were. The answer was they have none...except for the aforementioned bubba law. It's interesting how things are so different in different places.

     When I was growing up, we didn't have the Internet or smart phones. These days elementary aged kids have cell phones and are hooked up to the Internet faster than you can say beware of the sexual predators. Kids are sharing their lives and locations online and communicating with as many people possible without really considering the dangers. It bugs me to see kids post screen shots of how many followers they have. Who cares? And do you even know half of them? Does it matter? I am getting off on a tangent now, but it's this kind of social media mania that makes my kid feel like she is left out if she too doesn't have a bunch of sites and followers. To try to pick my battles and meet her halfway, I created a second site with my information that I'm letting her use until she is thirteen. Only Joe and I have the password, and I've changed my iTunes password too so she can download any old app she feels like. I want to be aware of whatever she's downloading and who she is talking to. I think the people at Facebook etc thought long and hard about the minimum age and arrived at thirteen for a reason. At thirteen kids are still very immature and impulsive. They still need to be monitored and supervised. It's not like at thirteen you are all of the sudden responsible and able to handle your own Internet safety like we adults think we are. On that note, I keep mine private and am only connected with a few strangers for reasons I've decided with my adult mind are productive and positive. While she uses the temporary account, I'm trying to teach her how to use it safely and responsibly. If she blows it, she might not even get on social media when she is thirteen.

How many 'likes' do you have? And does it really matter?

How about dress code? Having raised an older teen and raising a younger almost teen, the length of shorts is a big issue at my house. The rule at school is to wear fingertip length shorts. It just figures that what's popular are super short shorts. Sierra and I went around and around about this topic when she was in school. She hated all the longer shorts and would decide to wear jeans instead. So that was that. She wore jeans all the time. Zoe doesn't like the longer shorts either, and I know both girls have taken short shorts to change into once they are out of the house. It makes me wonder why do the schools have a dress code if the parents are the only ones enforcing it? Why should my kid feel so much pressure to change into booty shorts because everybody else is wearing them? I'm pretty sure short shorts are an issue because it's been scientifically proven that the more skin you show, the more of a sexual appearance you give off. Schools don't want the boys distracted by the girls showing so much skin. Then you go to the pool or the beach and women are dressed in the equivalent of a bra and underwear and it's ok (except for those Muslim women who have to be covered head to toe-saw some of them here at the beach and I wondered how hot they must be?) To meet her halfway again, I allow her to wear the short shorts anywhere she would also wear a swimsuit. But it's already a topic of conversation - will we let her wear them to school in the fall? My answer is would you wear your bathing suit to school? Nope. So I'm dreading another school year of apparently being the only parent who wants my kid to follow the rules.



These shorts are cute, but they are way shorter than fingertip length.



Who wears short shorts?

      Don't even get me started on the use of cell phones in school. Well ok, just this-the rules say bring your own technology for academic purposes. Teachers are supposed to take up phones that are out for non-academic reasons. So why are kids checking in during math class and posting to instagram with pictures taken in class and even skyping during the day? Why have rules if you're not going to enforce them?



What do you think about cell phones in school?

     Because of the bubba law, we allow Sierra to have drinks sometimes. Apparently it's our decision as the parents, and I look to the European model where wine is usually a part of life and kids are not raised to see it as an evil. She said because we are like that, she felt less of a need to go crazy drinking at college like some of the other students. But if there wasn't a bubba law, I'd be siding with waiting until the legal drinking age although I know that rule gets broken all the time.

Would you like some wine with your meal?

     I even lost my job being a rule follower. I was the only teacher on my team reporting accurate grades (not giving credit for missing work), yet I was forced out because of it. I enforced the school's rules and used the school's discipline system and somehow it was twisted around that since I used it, I obviously couldn't discipline. Dress code? That school had a uniform. Kids could wear black pants but not denim. Every day kids showed up in black denim, and I noticed it. One parent was so frustrated with me he asked to talk to me about it. He said he had three girls at that school and they have six classes a day so that's eighteen times a day they faced their teachers collectively. They all wore the same pants, yet out of eighteen teachers I was the ONLY one noticing it. He was offended that I was personally picking on his kid. I felt horrible for him because I could understand his frustrations. I couldn't speak for the other teachers. It was the same for the missing work problem. I don't make up the news; I just report it. But apparently following rules waves a flag that you're a problem for some reason. I don't get it. Why have the rules if we aren't supposed to follow them? Should teachers model rule breaking to their students?  Do I need to do a better job of letting things slide?  Then you run into a consistency problem.  If you let some things slide but not others, kids don't learn what to expect.  They don't learn that when you choose the behavior, you choose the consequence. 

It's funny that I struggle with this topic because I've been kind of a rebel for most of my life. I've broken lots of rules. I was even arrested for trespassing when I hung off the Triboro Bridge in NYC (with twelve other climbers and many support people) to protest ocean dumping of toxic sludge. I worked for Greenpeace at the time, and they are still famous today for breaking rules or 'bearing witness' in the name of protecting the environment. I don't work for them anymore, but I support them financially and participate in online activism and do volunteer work from time to time. I guess as I've aged and become a parent and a teacher, I have more respect for rules now. But there is a lot of gray area between the black and whites. Sometimes we should follow rules to the letter (like traffic signals) and other times it's ok to break them (like activism). As with many aspects of life, it's hard to strike the balance.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this topic.

Triboro Bridge, NYC, NY 1988

Stop Ocean Dumping (Greenpeace Action)

Life in Beautiful Places

     I fell in love with the ocean when I was a child. We took trips to Virginia Beach and Ocean City (Maryland) in the summers, and I was the kid you couldn't get out of the water.  I swam like a fish in the pool in the summers and was on the dive team briefly at my neighborhood pool.  I've always felt at home in the water, and as I grew older, I gravitated to the beach.  My friends and I rented beach houses for vacation in high school, and the summer after my freshman year in college (1987) I lived at Virginia Beach and made a living waiting tables and being a 'beach wench' who rented chairs and umbrellas on the oceanfront.  It was a fun lifestyle, but it didn't seem sustainable or the way I wanted to live as an adult, so in the fall I returned to my sophomore year of college back in southwestern Virginia.  It was during those first two years of college that I started rock climbing (in Virginia and W. Virginia) and became close with two friends who completed NOLS semesters.  I wasn't satisfied with the path I was taking in school, so I took my junior year off to explore new horizons.  I started working with Greenpeace in DC and then went to Wyoming to start my NOLS course. 

Virginia Beach at sunset

     Before the course, I had never even camped outdoors.    The next 95 days, we skiied and snowcamped in Wyoming, backpacked and hiked in remote canyons in Canyondlands National Park, Utah, whitewater rafted and kayaked in Colorado, rock-climbed and horsepacked in Wyoming.  After the course, I couldn't stand being back in a city (DC), so I packed up my car and moved to Boulder, CO for the summer and worked for Greenpeace there.  I left in the fall and pursued a college education at an alternative school in Arizona with experiential learning.  Prescott College's motto was "The Southwest is our Classroom."  My education took me to many remote places.  All new students go through a 'wilderness orientation' hiking and backpacking for a few weeks in the Arizona forests and canyons.  I spent block classes skiing in Yellowstone National Park, kayaking around Isla Espiritu Santo (in Baja), and backpacking in the alpine tundra of Colorado.  During other block classes, I conducted a Mexican Spotted Owl Habitat Survey and a Bald Eagle Watch for the National Forest Service.  Situated in the high desert of Arizona, there was ample opportunity for day hikes, mountain bike rides, and day climbing trips.  It was incredible.  In college, I fell in love with mountains.  I also fell in love with wolves and wilderness.  I had dreams of pursuing a career in ecosystem management or wildlife rehabilitation. 

Granite Mountain, Prescott, AZ

Granite Dells, Prescott, AZ

     I was offically a student at Prescott College from 1989-1993, but I also took a year off in the middle (1990-1991) to live in Telluride, Colorado.  It was an experience like nothing I've had before and probably will never have again.  Telluride is a small town located at almost 9000 feet elevation nestled in the majestic San Juan Mountains of southwest Colorado.  The town is surrounded on three sides by almost 14,000 foot peaks, covered by snow for most of the year.  I worked at a bakery as a breakfast and lunch cook, and I lived outdoors like many other young people there at the time.  I was single with no kids, so it worked out fine.  I had a VW bus with a mini-kitchen inside and the top popped up for sleeping (when it was warm enough). Otherwise, I slept on the bed in the back of the bus and when I awoke in the wee hours of the morning being cold, I'd head into the bakery and quickly warmed up with hot tea and baked goods.  I worked through lunch time then had the rest of the day to hike, bike, and enjoy the scenery.  I spent my second summer there living in a tipi with my boyfriend and our five, yes five, dogs (wolf hybrids) up on a gorgeous mesa in the midst of aspen groves.  It was during my time there that I started wondering how in the world people could afford to live in such beautiful places.  There was a culture of people living outdoors there (called 'woodsies').  Working in a tourist town like that, the locals like me didn't make enough money to afford to pay rent much less buy a house there.  The only people I knew who had houses had them because of family money.  They were kind enough to host pot-luck dinners and to let friends use their showers etc.  Otherwise, I showered at the town park at the public showers or at the gym where I was a member.  For that one school year, it was ok.  I loved being in such a beautiful place and was inspired daily by the beauty and magnificence of the mountains.  Words can't describe being above treeline in Colorado.  However, I got bored and wanted to finish my education.  I also didn't want to live outdoors for another winter, so I returned to Prescott College and graduated in 1993. I missed having a house, a hot shower, a real kitchen and bed.  From that point on, I made it my goal to work toward having the stability and comforts of home, but since that time I've also felt conflicted because it seems to make enough money to have a stable life and a nice home, it doesn't always work out with living in a beautiful place.

Telluride, CO

Main Street in Telluride, CO  I worked at the end of this street on the left at Gregor's Bakery and Cafe

     My first child, Sierra, was born just one week before I graduated in 1993.  Her dad still had another year of school to finish, so we stayed in Prescott until he graduated and moved to Durango, CO to start our lives as a family.  He had a job as a river guide, but it didn't last.  I hit rock bottom and was forced to take any job I could get to make some money.  I worked at a movie theater and then as a waitress.  There were no professional jobs in my field (environmental studies) and since I had developed a case of chronic back pain, being an outdoor educator was no longer in the cards for me.  Our marriage quickly dissolved, and I moved back to my mom's house in Virginia and spent the next four years living in her basement, working for Greenpeace again in DC and then getting my master's degree in education.  Still feeling claustrophobic living in the suburbs and working in the city, I moved again, this time to Reno, Nevada to chase a boy and be near the Sierra Nevada mounatins and Lake Tahoe.  Chasing a boy is never a good idea, as was evidenced by our quickly dissolving relationship, but I did meet my husband there  at a gym in Reno.  I worked as a teacher and made just enough money to support me and Sierra and live in an apartment.  We left Nevada in 2001 so Joe could go to law school in DC. 
     I spent my 20s adventuring and exploring, and when I got back to Virginia and got back in touch with some of my high school friends and went to the ten year reunion in 1996, I will admit I didn't like the story I had to tell, and I felt jealous of my friends who had spent their 20s in school and working and had nice houses to show for it.  They might have felt jealous that I had all those amazing experiences, but at the end of the day, they had nice houses and comfortable lives, and I was still struggling in that department.  So, my priorities shifted somewhat then.  I wanted nothing more than to get married again, have more kids, and to secure a stable life in a nice home. 

Reno, NV

     Joe provided all that for me.  He excelled in law school and got a big firm job when he graduated.  I was finally able to be a stay home mom with our son Thomas when he was born in 2004.  We had a townhouse in the DC suburbs but were bursting at the seams with five people living in 1800 square feet.  That when we decided to move to Texas so we could afford a big, single family home.  His law firm was a Texas based firm, so he was able to transfer and since then he's moved to a smaller, medium sized Texas based firm.  We were able to buy twice the house (3500 square feet) for less than what we sold the townhouse for.  I stayed home with Thomas for six years, and I finally feel stable and secure.  But, like the saying goes, money doesn't buy happiness.  I still feel like something is missing, and when I go on vacation I feel like a whole different person.  I think what is missing is the feeling I get from being in a beautiful place.  Dallas, Texas is not really known for being a beautiful place.  It's flat, and there is no ocean anywhere nearby.  There are lakes, but I don't like swimming with snakes and other grody critters that live in muddy brown water.  The closest thing I get to communing with nature is seeing the beautiful sunsets and appreciating the pretty (man made) pond down the street from our house and riding my bike on the (paved) path that follows the creek across our town.  In those moments, I feel some of the same emotions I've had in the past with the wind going through my hair and the hot sun on my skin.  The trees are pretty, and the skies are pretty.  The schools are good and our house is nice.  Joe's job is good.  However, it shows me that as far as my experience goes, it's awfully tough to have both-a good job/nice house, and the opportunity to live in a beautiful place. 

typical view of a neighborhood pond in Texas

     Because of all my aches and pains and (16) surgeries, I'm not longer a hiker, climber, skiier, horsepacker, whitewater anything-er, or mountain biker.  All those things were checked off the list of things I can do because of physical reasons as well as economic reasons.  Living in a beautiful town usually means living in a tourist town.  Jobs are mostly service related and they are seasonal.  I have a family now and have worked hard to provide basics like food, shelter, clothing, health insurance, cars, car insurance, and of course all the extras that kids want/need in their lives.  I can still swim, though, and so our visits to the ocean are the highlight of my year.  I swim in the pool at the gym year round, but there is an entirely different feeling that comes with being near the ocean.  After a 13 hour drive to get here (Destin, FL), I'm amazed at the transformation that takes place inside my head as soon as I step foot on the beach.  The colors are amazing (white sands, clear turqoise waters, and powder blue sky).  The breeze blowing off the beach takes me to another place.  It's salty and sandy, and being in the ocean and looking at the horizon where the sea meets the sky humbles me and reminds me how small I am and how big the earth is.  It reminds me of my place in space, and my spirit feels renewed.  But it only lasts seven days...hence this blog post. 

Perspective:  Use it or Lose it!

     People live here. There are houses and schools and stores. People do get to live in beautiful places.  I just don't understand how to make both things possible in my life.  It seems like I've had to choose one or the other-living in a beautiful place or having a nice home for my kids.  I chose the latter and continue to choose the latter, but that wild woman inside me sure misses feeling close to nature and the passion and exhilaration it stirs inside.  I am thankful that at least I am able to reconnect with this beautiful place even though it's just once a year.  Maybe I will be lucky enough to retire near the ocean and be that salty old lady who lives to be 100 and still goes to the beach.  It seems like the best way to live-having provided a nice life for your kids yet staying inspired, at peace, and in awe of the natural world.