Thursday, November 22, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
30 Days of Truth: Day 29 Something You Hope to Change About Yourself and Why?
I run late, and I would like to change that about myself because it makes other people irritated with me. I don't mean to run late, and I try to be on time. But, frequently I either underestimate the time it takes to get ready or to get some place.
I understand the importance of being on time. I understand it makes a bad impression to be late. Sometimes I just can't help it.
At least I will fall on the sword and say sorry and admit this is probably my biggest fault. I'm ok with identifying my strengths and weaknesses, and I do see running late as a weakness (mainly because it bothers other people).
I understand the importance of being on time. I understand it makes a bad impression to be late. Sometimes I just can't help it.
At least I will fall on the sword and say sorry and admit this is probably my biggest fault. I'm ok with identifying my strengths and weaknesses, and I do see running late as a weakness (mainly because it bothers other people).
Thursday, November 15, 2012
30 Days of Truth: Day 28-What if You Were Pregnant? What Would You Do?
Oh boy, pregnancy? At my age? I'm turning 45 this year, so it would not be a positive thing at all if I got pregnant (especially because my husband has a vasectomy). If I got pregnant right now, I'd be in a whole lot of trouble and would need professional help from a psychiatrist I think! If I was younger (in my childbearing years) I would welcome a new baby into the world. At my age, I don't know what I would do.
30 Days of Truth: Day 27-What's the Best Thing Going for You Right Now?
My family is the best thing going for me right now. I'm in a really great spot. My husband has a great job as a health care attorney, and he recently made partner. My twenty year old stepson is in the Army stationed in NY. My nineteen year old daughter is a sophomore at Texas Tech and involved in her sorority (ZTA). My twelve year old daughter is doing well in her seventh grade classes and dancing eleven hours a week. And my eight year old son is also doing well at school in second grade and amazes me every day with his intelligence and insight.
I've achieved the perfect balance of being a person, a wife, a mother, and a professional. The house is quiet during the day, and I use the time to workout, to learn guitar, to write, to learn math, and to do all the work associated with running a household including the finances. Once the kids get home, I'm busy with them, and I also tutor math part time. I love that I can use my education and still be a full time mom. I don't have any of the stress that comes with being a classroom teacher. Instead, I get to experience the enjoyment and fulfillment of working one on one with students on math-a subject I am passionate about.
I feel very blessed to be in my position, and I'm grateful because my husband and I envisioned this life and built it step by step together.
I've achieved the perfect balance of being a person, a wife, a mother, and a professional. The house is quiet during the day, and I use the time to workout, to learn guitar, to write, to learn math, and to do all the work associated with running a household including the finances. Once the kids get home, I'm busy with them, and I also tutor math part time. I love that I can use my education and still be a full time mom. I don't have any of the stress that comes with being a classroom teacher. Instead, I get to experience the enjoyment and fulfillment of working one on one with students on math-a subject I am passionate about.
I feel very blessed to be in my position, and I'm grateful because my husband and I envisioned this life and built it step by step together.
30 Days of Truth: Day 26-Have You Ever Thought About Giving Up on Life? If so, when and why?
This one is easy because NO I have never thought about giving up on life. I love my life, and no matter how hard it gets, there is always a reason to live. Especially now that I have children, I can't imagine being selfish enough to give up on my own life.
I've known friends who have committed suicide, and while they may have found peace, it's so hard for the people they leave behind.
Life is a precious gift, and I intend to use mine to the fullest!
I've known friends who have committed suicide, and while they may have found peace, it's so hard for the people they leave behind.
Life is a precious gift, and I intend to use mine to the fullest!
30 Days of Truth: Day 25-The Reason You Believe You're Still Alive Today
Honestly I have no idea why I'm still alive today. It's kind of a weird question. It makes me think about the difference between determinism and free will. If our lives are pre-determined, I supposed I'm still alive because I haven't reached the end of my path yet. If our lives and deaths are created by our free will, then I'm alive because I haven't killed myself, and so far I've been successful in taking the necessary precautions to escape death.
I'm not really sure which theory is the actual truth, and I'm pretty sure nobody else knows either. I tend not to believe in determinism, but who knows? If it's in my power, then I do what I can to avoid death by avoiding disease and unsafe situations. If it's not in my power, then I guess my efforts are futile, and whatever will be will be.
Every action we take creates a ripple effect that leads us down another path. I read a book once that was all about this topic and whether or not it was possible to have parallel realities (each being different depending on the different choices we make and on the paths those choices lead us down). It's called One by Richard Bach.
I can only remember one time in my life when I actually thought I was going to die. It was when I hung from the Triboro Bridge in NYC for Greenpeace to protest ocean dumping of toxic sludge. I need to write a separate entry about my experiences while working for Greenpeace. But during that action, we were suspended from climbing ropes above the East River for about nine hours. The police shut down the bridge and there were police cars all over the bridge and police boats in the water. A special operations helicopter flew underneath us with its lights off, which easily could have killed us. That was scary. I also remember when the police at the top of my rope threatened to cut my rope and put frog men in the water to fish me out. I looked up and saw police alongside my support people, and I looked down and saw divers in suits with inflatable boats. I started doing the math in my head, falling close to 150 ft. with climbing rope all around me into "hell's gate" of the East River. I wondered if I would die on impact or drown in the river coiled up in rope as the current sucked me down and spit me out downstream. The action coordinators on the ground handled things perfectly, communicating over radio that we were receiving live international news coverage, and if they cut our ropes they would be killing up to thirteen activists on live television. The police did the right thing, didn't cut our ropes, instead they gave us each an extra safety rope! So, in that instance I owe my life to Dave Hollister who coordinated and managed the entire action and to Scott Stoodley who protected my ropes and anchors and dealt with the police. Thank you Dave and Scott! Here is a picture (I'm the climber farthest to the right):
In hindsight, there were other times I was very vulnerable and could have been killed, but wasn't. I lived outdoors in Colorado for a year and a half, and when I was in college I camped outdoors all the time. Luckily, no crazy killers found me.
As an adult, I strive to take care of my health and stay fit to prevent disease. I firmly believe you are what you eat, and I have a weird relationship with foods because of all my allergies/intolerances. I avoid wheat, corn, sugar, and eggs. Although it's difficult to eat so clean in our society, it's worth it because I feel better and when I go to the doctor they tell me they never see numbers so healthy in my age group. And then they ask me what's my secret. And I tell them, I eat right and exercise. Duh! It seems so simple, but it's difficult to sustain on a day to day basis.
I believe I'm still alive because I take care of myself and make safe choices in my adult life. I believe I'm still alive because I've gotten lucky in averting death in the past when there was an opportunity. I hope to live to be one hundred years old, and I hope to have a long healthy live with my family!
I'm not really sure which theory is the actual truth, and I'm pretty sure nobody else knows either. I tend not to believe in determinism, but who knows? If it's in my power, then I do what I can to avoid death by avoiding disease and unsafe situations. If it's not in my power, then I guess my efforts are futile, and whatever will be will be.
Every action we take creates a ripple effect that leads us down another path. I read a book once that was all about this topic and whether or not it was possible to have parallel realities (each being different depending on the different choices we make and on the paths those choices lead us down). It's called One by Richard Bach.
I can only remember one time in my life when I actually thought I was going to die. It was when I hung from the Triboro Bridge in NYC for Greenpeace to protest ocean dumping of toxic sludge. I need to write a separate entry about my experiences while working for Greenpeace. But during that action, we were suspended from climbing ropes above the East River for about nine hours. The police shut down the bridge and there were police cars all over the bridge and police boats in the water. A special operations helicopter flew underneath us with its lights off, which easily could have killed us. That was scary. I also remember when the police at the top of my rope threatened to cut my rope and put frog men in the water to fish me out. I looked up and saw police alongside my support people, and I looked down and saw divers in suits with inflatable boats. I started doing the math in my head, falling close to 150 ft. with climbing rope all around me into "hell's gate" of the East River. I wondered if I would die on impact or drown in the river coiled up in rope as the current sucked me down and spit me out downstream. The action coordinators on the ground handled things perfectly, communicating over radio that we were receiving live international news coverage, and if they cut our ropes they would be killing up to thirteen activists on live television. The police did the right thing, didn't cut our ropes, instead they gave us each an extra safety rope! So, in that instance I owe my life to Dave Hollister who coordinated and managed the entire action and to Scott Stoodley who protected my ropes and anchors and dealt with the police. Thank you Dave and Scott! Here is a picture (I'm the climber farthest to the right):
In hindsight, there were other times I was very vulnerable and could have been killed, but wasn't. I lived outdoors in Colorado for a year and a half, and when I was in college I camped outdoors all the time. Luckily, no crazy killers found me.
As an adult, I strive to take care of my health and stay fit to prevent disease. I firmly believe you are what you eat, and I have a weird relationship with foods because of all my allergies/intolerances. I avoid wheat, corn, sugar, and eggs. Although it's difficult to eat so clean in our society, it's worth it because I feel better and when I go to the doctor they tell me they never see numbers so healthy in my age group. And then they ask me what's my secret. And I tell them, I eat right and exercise. Duh! It seems so simple, but it's difficult to sustain on a day to day basis.
I believe I'm still alive because I take care of myself and make safe choices in my adult life. I believe I'm still alive because I've gotten lucky in averting death in the past when there was an opportunity. I hope to live to be one hundred years old, and I hope to have a long healthy live with my family!
Monday, November 12, 2012
30 Days of Truth: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter
To my husband:
1. Can I get a? by Jay-Z because it was popular when we started dating, and it was frequently playing at the club where we went dancing on the weekends.
2. Love Like This by Faith Evans because it's one of my original songs for my husband. I really never knew there was a love like this before.
3. What's Simple is True by Jewel because it was on the first mixed tape I made for him and it speaks volumes about how pure our love was and how I took a leap of faith to be with him when he wasn't done with school yet or employed on a full-time basis.
4. God Blessed the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts because it describes how I feel about my journey in finding the love of my life.
5. Still the One by Shania Twain because after 13 years together he is still the one.
6. Dreamlover by Mariah Carey because he is the one who made my dreams come true.
7. Baby Boy by Sean Paul featuring Beyonce because it describes how I feel about him.
8. Forever by Chris Brown because I want to be with him forever.
9. Heaven by Bryan Adams because once in your life you find someone..
10. I Can't Help Falling in Love with You by UB40 because we did kind of rush into things, but I couldn't help it.
11. I Got You Babe by UB40 because I got him!
12. Nothing Fails by Madonna because I'm not religious, but I feel such love, it makes me want to pray, pray that he will always be here.
1. Can I get a? by Jay-Z because it was popular when we started dating, and it was frequently playing at the club where we went dancing on the weekends.
2. Love Like This by Faith Evans because it's one of my original songs for my husband. I really never knew there was a love like this before.
3. What's Simple is True by Jewel because it was on the first mixed tape I made for him and it speaks volumes about how pure our love was and how I took a leap of faith to be with him when he wasn't done with school yet or employed on a full-time basis.
4. God Blessed the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts because it describes how I feel about my journey in finding the love of my life.
5. Still the One by Shania Twain because after 13 years together he is still the one.
6. Dreamlover by Mariah Carey because he is the one who made my dreams come true.
7. Baby Boy by Sean Paul featuring Beyonce because it describes how I feel about him.
8. Forever by Chris Brown because I want to be with him forever.
9. Heaven by Bryan Adams because once in your life you find someone..
10. I Can't Help Falling in Love with You by UB40 because we did kind of rush into things, but I couldn't help it.
11. I Got You Babe by UB40 because I got him!
12. Nothing Fails by Madonna because I'm not religious, but I feel such love, it makes me want to pray, pray that he will always be here.
30 Day Photo Challenge
I'm taking part in a 30 day photo challenge, hosted by DeBie Hive. Thanks for the idea!
Here is the list:
1 - Fantasy
2 - Create
3 - Season
4 - Light
5 - Macro
6 - Action
7 - Water
8 - Harvest
9 - Friends
10 - Personality
11 - Truth
12 - Animal
13 - Bravery
14 - Fear
15 - Self - Portrait
16 - Nourish
17 - Chaos
18 - Calm
19 - Frustration
20 - Gift
21 - Important
22 - Gather
23 - Feast
24 - Hope
25 - Adorn
26 - Tradition
27 - Celebration
28 - Love
29 - Share
30 - Family
Here is the list:
1 - Fantasy
2 - Create
3 - Season
4 - Light
5 - Macro
6 - Action
7 - Water
8 - Harvest
9 - Friends
10 - Personality
11 - Truth
12 - Animal
13 - Bravery
14 - Fear
15 - Self - Portrait
16 - Nourish
17 - Chaos
18 - Calm
19 - Frustration
20 - Gift
21 - Important
22 - Gather
23 - Feast
24 - Hope
25 - Adorn
26 - Tradition
27 - Celebration
28 - Love
29 - Share
30 - Family
Friday, November 9, 2012
30 Days of Truth: Day 23-Something You Wish You Had Done in Your Life
I wish I went to Korea with my dad and brother when they went. I wasn't invited, and I didn't find out they went until after my dad died in 1997. I wish I could have gone for several reasons. First, he had four brothers, and they had wives and children. That means although my Korean grandparents, father, and uncle are no longer with us, there are living relatives in Korea that I've never met. I'm told they don't speak English, and neither my brother nor my step-mom keep in touch with any of them.
I wish I could have gone to Korea while my father was still alive so I could have met his family in person, see their culture, and see and hear about his experiences there first hand. He wrote a manuscript about his experiences in South Korea during the Korean war. He went to college in Seoul and struggled to stay alive in South Korea during the Korean war.
Here is a link to his book on amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/
I never met my Korean grandparents, but I heard they both lived to be over one hundred years old. Both of those things (going to Korea and living to be one hundred) are on my bucket list. Thankfully, genetics are on my side.
Isn't it freaky how much I look like my Korean grandmother in these pictures?
I do love my life and am thankful for exactly where I am in my life, so I don't really regret anything from the past. It's hard to say what would have been different now if I had done anything differently. But for the sake of the exercise, if I could go back and do everything again, I would have somehow invited myself to join them on a trip to Korea to get in touch with my heritage.
I wish I could have gone to Korea while my father was still alive so I could have met his family in person, see their culture, and see and hear about his experiences there first hand. He wrote a manuscript about his experiences in South Korea during the Korean war. He went to college in Seoul and struggled to stay alive in South Korea during the Korean war.
Here is a link to his book on amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/
I never met my Korean grandparents, but I heard they both lived to be over one hundred years old. Both of those things (going to Korea and living to be one hundred) are on my bucket list. Thankfully, genetics are on my side.
Isn't it freaky how much I look like my Korean grandmother in these pictures?
I do love my life and am thankful for exactly where I am in my life, so I don't really regret anything from the past. It's hard to say what would have been different now if I had done anything differently. But for the sake of the exercise, if I could go back and do everything again, I would have somehow invited myself to join them on a trip to Korea to get in touch with my heritage.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Eddie Vedder
I got tickets today to see Eddie Vedder next week, and I'm so excited I can barely stand it!! I have never seen him or Pearl Jam, but I love him and their music. He's awesome in the band, and I fell in love with his solo work after seeing the movie, Into the Wild. the soundtrack is all Eddie Vedder. Not typically a fan of the ukulele, I downloaded his new album from itunes and love it. Eddie brings a certain charisma and talent to make even a ukelele song sound good. He postponed his solo tour in April, and he will be on Dallas only for one night. I can't wait to see him performing live!!
My Boy and His Birthday
Thomas lost his seventh tooth today, his last day of being seven. He's barely a little kid anymore. Tomorrow we start a fun weekend of celebrating his eighth birthday. I will visit school and take him lunch and donuts to share with his classmates. He doesn't like cupcakes. So he asked for donuts. We plan to have dinner at Jinbeh (his choice) and then to have red velvet cake (again, his choice) and presents at home afterwards.
We have a surprise present for him. Can't wait to tell him we are going to spend Saturday night at Great Wolf Lodge! It's what he wanted, but he doesn't think he is getting it.
Sunday we will go to Main Event for laser tag, bowling, and arcade games. I've never been there but I've heard it's really fun.
Our little guy is growing up! He came into the world at 4:53am on 11/09/04 with his left hand under his chin. He is a thinker and loves learning. I remember having contractions every fifteen minutes that day, and I tutored a student that evening. It was a peaceful delivery, and our sweet boy has been a blessing in our lives ever since.
We wanted a boy, and we got one! I am so grateful for the gift of having a son. Tomorrow, we will have an eight year old son. It feels like the end of an era of sorts. Only a small window of time left to enjoy his years as a small child. I absolutely love that I can be a mom full time to enjoy it!!
We have a surprise present for him. Can't wait to tell him we are going to spend Saturday night at Great Wolf Lodge! It's what he wanted, but he doesn't think he is getting it.
Sunday we will go to Main Event for laser tag, bowling, and arcade games. I've never been there but I've heard it's really fun.
Our little guy is growing up! He came into the world at 4:53am on 11/09/04 with his left hand under his chin. He is a thinker and loves learning. I remember having contractions every fifteen minutes that day, and I tutored a student that evening. It was a peaceful delivery, and our sweet boy has been a blessing in our lives ever since.
We wanted a boy, and we got one! I am so grateful for the gift of having a son. Tomorrow, we will have an eight year old son. It feels like the end of an era of sorts. Only a small window of time left to enjoy his years as a small child. I absolutely love that I can be a mom full time to enjoy it!!
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Feel The Emotion In The President
Fired up and ready to go!
Today is election day in America. It's the day we celebrate democracy by using our votes to select the candidate we believe is best for the job. Let's finish what we started and keep moving forward.
I support President Obama.
Growing up in a Washington DC suburb, I remember hearing about presidential politics from a young age. I met President Carter when I played Suzuki violin with his daughter, Amy. I went to President Reagan's inauguration. I went to a pre-inaugural ball for President Clinton's reelection. I've toured the white house and the capitol building (and many other monuments and museums downtown). I voted in every election since I turned eighteen. I'm interested in news and politics, and I'm excited about the election. I hope we know the results tonight.
My nineteen year old daughter doesn't want to vote because she doesn't know enough about the issues to decide. She says she doesn't want to vote for President Obama just because her parents vote for him, and she doesn't want to vote for Governer Romney just because her friends vote for him. This is the first presidential election she's been old enough to vote, so I can understand that, but I encouraged her to get informed on the issues so she can pick one. I sent her a link to a quiz to help her. I took it too. We live in Texas, and while Dallas County will go to the President Obama, overall it's a republican state. So, I can see why it's hard for her to decide. But, I hope she does decide, and I hope uses her vote today.
The same goes for my twenty year old stepson. He said he registered to vote, but last time we talked about it, he said he was still undecided also.
Just remember a few reasons why it's important to get out and VOTE...
- Someone is going to win the election and be president for the next four years.
- People fought for the rights of black and female voters.
- Some countries do not live in a democracy.
- Each voice has an opportunity to be heard.
- Voting is a civic duty.
Monday, November 5, 2012
30 Days of Truth: Day 22-What is something you wish you hadn’t done in your life?
I moved to Texas in 2006. A year later, my daughter's soccer coach, a very likeable friend, talked me into playing with her on a women's over 40 league. Despite my husband's warnings, I played one season in the fall of 2007. Now, I wish I never did that.
I started playing soccer in fourth grade and continued through my freshman year in college when I played center halfback for Hollins College. In 1989, I started rock climbing and spent my twenties adventuring outdoors. I never hurt myself playing soccer back in the day, but I do remember having sore feet and that the trainers used to tape my feet and ankles before games. I thought I'd be able to play again and just be careful not to get hurt.
During one of the games, I rolled my right ankle running full speed, heard and felt a crack, and fell to the ground in pain. I put on someone else's ankle brace and tried to finish the game but couldn't. I limped around for a few weeks and then saw a doctor who put me in a brace and then a boot. An MRI showed a partial tear, but it healed on its own after a few months.
BUT, that injury led to a cascade of other injuries that have changed my life completely.
*tore cartilege in my right knee December 2007 while in the walking boot for the torn ankle (had surgery to fix that)
*rolled my right ankle again in April 2009 doing high kicks with my then high school aged daughter who was trying out for varsity drill team
*two surgeries on the right ankle to fix the torn ATFL (all the way off the bone) and tendons in the back on both sides) in August and December 2009 (and in the December surgery, they also fixed my torn cartilege again in my right knee because it tore again from walking around in the walking boot).
*tore cartilege again in my right knee putting on shoes (had another surgery to fix that in September 2011).
The first and last time I tore my knee, it was the kind of tear where my leg was locked in the bent position until they could get me in for surgery. I never had lower back pain until I hurt my ankle the first time playing that one season of adult soccer. As soon as I hurt my ankle, it was a chain of events, one after the next, and now I have had two ankle surgeries and five knee surgeries on my right leg. I still walk with a little limp and have a handicapped parking sticker because I can't walk very far without pain. I don't do any more outdoor sports or ball sports. I don't run anymore, and I don't jump anymore. I miss being more active, but I am still thankful I can get around and am in relatively good health.
But I sure wish I didn't play that one season of soccer because I was able to do a whole lot more activities before I hurt myself.
I started playing soccer in fourth grade and continued through my freshman year in college when I played center halfback for Hollins College. In 1989, I started rock climbing and spent my twenties adventuring outdoors. I never hurt myself playing soccer back in the day, but I do remember having sore feet and that the trainers used to tape my feet and ankles before games. I thought I'd be able to play again and just be careful not to get hurt.
During one of the games, I rolled my right ankle running full speed, heard and felt a crack, and fell to the ground in pain. I put on someone else's ankle brace and tried to finish the game but couldn't. I limped around for a few weeks and then saw a doctor who put me in a brace and then a boot. An MRI showed a partial tear, but it healed on its own after a few months.
BUT, that injury led to a cascade of other injuries that have changed my life completely.
*tore cartilege in my right knee December 2007 while in the walking boot for the torn ankle (had surgery to fix that)
*rolled my right ankle again in April 2009 doing high kicks with my then high school aged daughter who was trying out for varsity drill team
*two surgeries on the right ankle to fix the torn ATFL (all the way off the bone) and tendons in the back on both sides) in August and December 2009 (and in the December surgery, they also fixed my torn cartilege again in my right knee because it tore again from walking around in the walking boot).
*tore cartilege again in my right knee putting on shoes (had another surgery to fix that in September 2011).
The first and last time I tore my knee, it was the kind of tear where my leg was locked in the bent position until they could get me in for surgery. I never had lower back pain until I hurt my ankle the first time playing that one season of adult soccer. As soon as I hurt my ankle, it was a chain of events, one after the next, and now I have had two ankle surgeries and five knee surgeries on my right leg. I still walk with a little limp and have a handicapped parking sticker because I can't walk very far without pain. I don't do any more outdoor sports or ball sports. I don't run anymore, and I don't jump anymore. I miss being more active, but I am still thankful I can get around and am in relatively good health.
But I sure wish I didn't play that one season of soccer because I was able to do a whole lot more activities before I hurt myself.
left side
right side
30 Days of Truth: Day 21-Day 21 - (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
I go straight to the hospital and apologize and be there for my best friend to support her while she is recovering. Easy.
The gremlin voice
My gremlin voice speaks to me all the time. It tells me to be better, to do more, and to care about what everybody else is thinking. Sometimes it makes things up just to make me worry more. Since I read an article about negative self-talk (the gremlin voice), I've been more aware of its daily presence in my life. It tells me my skin is bad, I'm gaining weight, my clothes don't fit right, my house isn't clean enough, that I can be forgetful, and that I run late. When I do something silly, it tells me I'm so stupid. It carries around old stories and chronic pain and convinces me that I can never be free from injuries or at peace with the past.
I'm working on recognizing when my gremlin voice is speaking and then how to let those thoughts slip away like leaves being carried down a stream. I'm learning to quiet my mind and to be more kind to myself. It's a process to undo old habits and to start new, positive self-talk. I'm saying goodbye to those negative ideas that bring me down and finding more opportunity to see the good in myself.
The other day, I opened this horoscope from the Daily Om, and it fits nicely here.
November 3, 2012
How to Quiet the Mind On-Line Course
by Gina Lake
The following is an excerpt from the "How to Quiet the Mind" on-line course. If you would like to take the entire course, click here.
The mind is a wonderful tool for thinking, but it has a dark side. There is an aspect of the mind that is not useful but pretends to be useful, which is called the egoic mind. It is the aspect of our mind that chats with us as we move about our day. It is the "voice in our head," as Eckhart Tolle calls it. Much of the time, this voice seems like our own thoughts and our own voice, and we often express these thoughts (e.g., "I love doing that!" "I can't wait until tomorrow." "I wonder what will happen"). At other times, this voice is like the voice of a parent or other authority figure or a friend (e.g., "You should try harder." "Don't forget to take your vitamins." "Wouldn't it be fun to try that!"). It may even seem evil or mean (e.g., "You never do anything right. You're worthless. You might as well give up"). We tend to take this voice seriously—we believe it, agree with it, and don't question it. We believe it because we are programmed, or wired, to believe our ow! n thoughts, regardless of whether they are true and helpful or not.
Not only do we believe these thoughts, but we believe they are "ours." We identify with them—we feel they reflect who we are. We don't tend to question our own thoughts, although we readily question other people's thoughts, especially if those thoughts are different from ours. But when we stop and examine what this mental voice is saying, we discover a lot of contradictory advice, misinformation, prejudices, judgments, and other negativity. This mental voice is often unkind, belittling, fearful, self-doubting, judgmental, complaining, confused, and unhelpful.
It turns out that the voice in our head is not a very good guide to life, and yet we tend to accept what it says and do what it suggests. This voice, in fact, is the cause of human suffering. It fights life, rails against it, and is discontent and afraid. It is the voice of the false self—the ego—not the true self. The thoughts that arise in our mind cause every negative emotion we experience: fear, guilt, anger, jealousy, shame, sadness, resentment, envy, hopelessness, worthlessness, and depression. Without these thoughts, we would live in peace within ourselves and in harmony with others. But you already know this, don't you?
The funny thing is that we can see the truth about the egoic mind and still be entranced by it, still be mesmerized by it. The programming to pay attention to and believe this aspect of the mind is very strong, and it takes not only seeing the truth about it, but also a practice, as in meditation, of not giving our attention to this mental voice before we gain enough distance from it to experience freedom and the joy and peace of our true self, or Essence, as I like to call it.
The reason for moving out of the egoic mind and into the Now is to experience who we really are. Our thoughts represent the false self, the ego. In fact, all the false self is, is thoughts. There is no substance, no thing, that is the false self—only thoughts. The false self is made up of ideas about yourself: "I'm a woman, I'm a mother, I don't like traveling, I'm middle-aged, I like blue, I'm married, my father deserted me when I was young, I want to be a novelist, I'm not pretty enough," and so on. Such ideas create an image and sense of yourself, but you are not an image or even this sense of yourself. Images aren't real or true. Feelings about yourself aren't even real or true, since they are based only on thoughts, which aren't real or true. Who you really are has nothing to do with any of these ideas, feelings about yourself, or stories you tell about yourself.
Your true self is the experience of yourself existing in this moment, free of such constructs, stories, and self-images. To experience your true self, or Essence, you have to move out of your self-images and thoughts about yourself into the experience you are having right here and now, absent of thoughts and self-images, which obscure who you really are. We become entranced by our thoughts and overlook reality—the real experience we are having here and now. The egoic mind, however, doesn't want you to stop paying attention to it, so it continually tries to engage your attention. It persists in this because this is how the false self is maintained. If you stop paying attention to your thoughts, the false self disappears, and all that's left is Essence—the real you who is experiencing this moment.
There is something else here besides this character you suppose yourself to be, and that's what is actually living your life. This that you truly are is looking out of your eyes, hearing sounds, reading and understanding these words, and having every other experience that is part of this very unique and potentially delightful moment. What else are you experiencing besides reading? What colors are you experiencing? What sounds? What sensations? What intuitions? What drives? What insights? What is the Being that you are experiencing right now?
The more we bring our focus into the present moment and onto our actual experience (as opposed to focusing on our thoughts), the more we experience the joy and contentment of the spiritual being that we are. This that we are is having a wonderful time having this adventure we call life. It embraces all of it—every experience. When we come into the Now, we experience the peace, joy, contentment, wisdom, patience, kindness, and strength of our true nature. At our core, we are all loving and joyous beings! It is only identification with the egoic mind that makes us feel and act otherwise. The only thing that interferes with the experience of Essence is absorption in thought. Imagine that! The egoic mind is the only thing that interferes with living more lovingly and more at peace with ourselves and the world. We are all beautiful and amazing creations!
My intention is to help you see the truth about your ego and the egoic mind so that you can more easily and more consistently experience who you really are. Fulfillment and true happiness is found by dropping out of our ego and egoic mind (the false self) into the Now—into the experience of Essence. That is what we are about here. The practices, explorations, video, and guided meditation offered in this lesson are a very important part of this discovery. Please give yourself fully to them this week. Sending all love and blessings…
Definition of Terms
The Now: The Now is defined most simply as the present moment. Of course, the present moment is all that exists, since the past and future are simply thoughts about the past and the future. But because we are programmed to pay attention to our thoughts, we often fail to notice what is actually going on now. Most people live in a mental world. When we drop out of this mental world into the Now, we experience a depth, a richness, and a joy and peace that feel sacred. This is the experience of our true self, or Essence. So, when we talk about being in the Now, we are also talking about this experience of Essence.
The ego: The ego is the idea of who we are (not who we really are) that is created by thoughts about ourselves: "I am fat, tall, a father, a hard worker, a musician, not good enough." These thoughts create the false self, the sense of who we are as an individual. The ego is also a primitive aspect of the mind related to survival and the storehouse of conditioned ideas and beliefs.
The egoic mind: The egoic mind is the aspect of the mind that reflects and is driven by the ego. It is the voice in our head that chats with us and chatters on. It is the ongoing mental commentary that we think of as our thoughts. The egoic mind is different from the functional or practical aspect of the mind that we use to read, learn, calculate, analyze, and so forth. The functional mind doesn't speak to us but is a tool we use when engaged in tasks that require us to think.
Conditioning: Our conditioning is comprised of beliefs, opinions, judgments, “shoulds,” and any number of other ideas that belong to our psychological makeup, most of which we acquired from other people, particularly from those who raised us, from our culture, and from what we have experienced and concluded about life. This conditioning affects what we like and don't like and how we see and react to the world, and we often respond unconsciously to it without realizing we have a choice.
Essence: Essence is who we really are, the divine Self that is living this life through us. It is our essential goodness. We are actually spiritual beings playing at being human beings.
Practices: To be done throughout the week:
1. Practice being aware of your thoughts. Where do thoughts come from? Thoughts arise out of nowhere. Just because a thought is happening in your own head doesn't mean it is any more true than a thought that arises in someone else's head. What is arising in your mind right now? Where did it come from? Someone? Something you read? Something you were taught? A TV commercial? Is it true? Is it wise? Is it useful in this moment? Is it helpful or destructive? How necessary are most of your thoughts? Do you need them to function? Do they help you function better or not? How do they make you feel?
2. Notice how uninterested the mind is in the present moment. It's fascinated with the past and the future, and it likes to evaluate the present, but the mind finds nothing of interest in the actual experience of the moment. Notice this. Notice how persistently your mind makes suggestions for thinking about something or doing something other than just being in the moment and responding to whatever is coming out of the moment. The mind has a job to do, and that job is to keep you out of the Now. How does your mind attempt to keep you out of the moment? Which tactics are the most successful at getting you to turn away from the Now? A memory? A fantasy? A desire? A fear? A should? A judgment? A thought about food, sex, time, imperfection, cleanliness, being successful, or how you look? How long do you actually stay in the Now before you go unconscious and rejoin the egoic mind?
3. Notice how much you like to be involved with the egoic mind and with thoughts about yourself and how your life is going. What wants to think is the ego, the false self; and what is capable of being aware of thoughts and of the desire to think is Essence. Whenever you are having the experience of thinking or wanting to think, it's also possible to realize that the Noticer (Essence) is perfectly content with just noticing whatever is arising in the moment and responding to that without a lot of thought.
Explorations: Do just one of these explorations, or inquiries, a day.
1. Take some time to examine what you are referring to when you think the thought "I." Try to find the I you're referring to when you're thinking about yourself. Can you locate it anywhere? You may point to your body when you say “I,” but the I isn't just the body is it? Does the I reside in the body? If it resides in the body, what is it that's aware of your body and your thoughts and even able to contemplate this question? Could that awareness be who you really are? Is awareness—consciousness—limited to the body or the mind? What if you were that awareness, and you were just pretending to be attached to a particular body-mind for the experience it provides consciousness? Who would you be then?
The real you is not your body, your mind, your personality, or any of the things you call yourself. What are such labels, after all? They are just ideas, concepts. Are you an idea, or are you what is aware of the ideas, labels, thoughts, desires, and feelings of a particular body-mind?
2. What are you aware of right now? If you are aware of a thought, ask: “Who or what is aware of this thought?” If you are aware of a feeling, ask: “Who or what is aware of this feeling?” If you are aware of a sensation, ask: “Who or what is aware of this sensation?” Take sufficient time with each of these questions to allow yourself to experience that which is aware of a thought, feeling, or sensation. The real you is what is aware of every thought, feeling, sound, sensation, intuition, urge, and insight—everything you are aware of. You are that which is experiencing this life, and That has no gender, age, past, future, or any other specific definition, but is pure Awareness, Consciousness. Who is it that is aware of the thoughts that define you? Is it the character you seem to be, or is there something else here that is character-less, that is just purely experiencing life, without ideas about liking or disliking, having or not having, wanting or not wanting?
3. Get a pencil and paper, and jot down a description of the character that your mind describes as you. What characteristics and qualities belong to that character? What does that character look like? How does that character behave? How does it feel much of the time? What are its beliefs? How does it see itself in relationship to others and to the world? This is the character you are playing, but it isn't who you really are. You are what is able to contemplate this character.
I'm working on recognizing when my gremlin voice is speaking and then how to let those thoughts slip away like leaves being carried down a stream. I'm learning to quiet my mind and to be more kind to myself. It's a process to undo old habits and to start new, positive self-talk. I'm saying goodbye to those negative ideas that bring me down and finding more opportunity to see the good in myself.
The other day, I opened this horoscope from the Daily Om, and it fits nicely here.
November 3, 2012
How to Quiet the Mind On-Line Course
by Gina Lake
The following is an excerpt from the "How to Quiet the Mind" on-line course. If you would like to take the entire course, click here.
The mind is a wonderful tool for thinking, but it has a dark side. There is an aspect of the mind that is not useful but pretends to be useful, which is called the egoic mind. It is the aspect of our mind that chats with us as we move about our day. It is the "voice in our head," as Eckhart Tolle calls it. Much of the time, this voice seems like our own thoughts and our own voice, and we often express these thoughts (e.g., "I love doing that!" "I can't wait until tomorrow." "I wonder what will happen"). At other times, this voice is like the voice of a parent or other authority figure or a friend (e.g., "You should try harder." "Don't forget to take your vitamins." "Wouldn't it be fun to try that!"). It may even seem evil or mean (e.g., "You never do anything right. You're worthless. You might as well give up"). We tend to take this voice seriously—we believe it, agree with it, and don't question it. We believe it because we are programmed, or wired, to believe our ow! n thoughts, regardless of whether they are true and helpful or not.
Not only do we believe these thoughts, but we believe they are "ours." We identify with them—we feel they reflect who we are. We don't tend to question our own thoughts, although we readily question other people's thoughts, especially if those thoughts are different from ours. But when we stop and examine what this mental voice is saying, we discover a lot of contradictory advice, misinformation, prejudices, judgments, and other negativity. This mental voice is often unkind, belittling, fearful, self-doubting, judgmental, complaining, confused, and unhelpful.
It turns out that the voice in our head is not a very good guide to life, and yet we tend to accept what it says and do what it suggests. This voice, in fact, is the cause of human suffering. It fights life, rails against it, and is discontent and afraid. It is the voice of the false self—the ego—not the true self. The thoughts that arise in our mind cause every negative emotion we experience: fear, guilt, anger, jealousy, shame, sadness, resentment, envy, hopelessness, worthlessness, and depression. Without these thoughts, we would live in peace within ourselves and in harmony with others. But you already know this, don't you?
The funny thing is that we can see the truth about the egoic mind and still be entranced by it, still be mesmerized by it. The programming to pay attention to and believe this aspect of the mind is very strong, and it takes not only seeing the truth about it, but also a practice, as in meditation, of not giving our attention to this mental voice before we gain enough distance from it to experience freedom and the joy and peace of our true self, or Essence, as I like to call it.
The reason for moving out of the egoic mind and into the Now is to experience who we really are. Our thoughts represent the false self, the ego. In fact, all the false self is, is thoughts. There is no substance, no thing, that is the false self—only thoughts. The false self is made up of ideas about yourself: "I'm a woman, I'm a mother, I don't like traveling, I'm middle-aged, I like blue, I'm married, my father deserted me when I was young, I want to be a novelist, I'm not pretty enough," and so on. Such ideas create an image and sense of yourself, but you are not an image or even this sense of yourself. Images aren't real or true. Feelings about yourself aren't even real or true, since they are based only on thoughts, which aren't real or true. Who you really are has nothing to do with any of these ideas, feelings about yourself, or stories you tell about yourself.
Your true self is the experience of yourself existing in this moment, free of such constructs, stories, and self-images. To experience your true self, or Essence, you have to move out of your self-images and thoughts about yourself into the experience you are having right here and now, absent of thoughts and self-images, which obscure who you really are. We become entranced by our thoughts and overlook reality—the real experience we are having here and now. The egoic mind, however, doesn't want you to stop paying attention to it, so it continually tries to engage your attention. It persists in this because this is how the false self is maintained. If you stop paying attention to your thoughts, the false self disappears, and all that's left is Essence—the real you who is experiencing this moment.
There is something else here besides this character you suppose yourself to be, and that's what is actually living your life. This that you truly are is looking out of your eyes, hearing sounds, reading and understanding these words, and having every other experience that is part of this very unique and potentially delightful moment. What else are you experiencing besides reading? What colors are you experiencing? What sounds? What sensations? What intuitions? What drives? What insights? What is the Being that you are experiencing right now?
The more we bring our focus into the present moment and onto our actual experience (as opposed to focusing on our thoughts), the more we experience the joy and contentment of the spiritual being that we are. This that we are is having a wonderful time having this adventure we call life. It embraces all of it—every experience. When we come into the Now, we experience the peace, joy, contentment, wisdom, patience, kindness, and strength of our true nature. At our core, we are all loving and joyous beings! It is only identification with the egoic mind that makes us feel and act otherwise. The only thing that interferes with the experience of Essence is absorption in thought. Imagine that! The egoic mind is the only thing that interferes with living more lovingly and more at peace with ourselves and the world. We are all beautiful and amazing creations!
My intention is to help you see the truth about your ego and the egoic mind so that you can more easily and more consistently experience who you really are. Fulfillment and true happiness is found by dropping out of our ego and egoic mind (the false self) into the Now—into the experience of Essence. That is what we are about here. The practices, explorations, video, and guided meditation offered in this lesson are a very important part of this discovery. Please give yourself fully to them this week. Sending all love and blessings…
Definition of Terms
The Now: The Now is defined most simply as the present moment. Of course, the present moment is all that exists, since the past and future are simply thoughts about the past and the future. But because we are programmed to pay attention to our thoughts, we often fail to notice what is actually going on now. Most people live in a mental world. When we drop out of this mental world into the Now, we experience a depth, a richness, and a joy and peace that feel sacred. This is the experience of our true self, or Essence. So, when we talk about being in the Now, we are also talking about this experience of Essence.
The ego: The ego is the idea of who we are (not who we really are) that is created by thoughts about ourselves: "I am fat, tall, a father, a hard worker, a musician, not good enough." These thoughts create the false self, the sense of who we are as an individual. The ego is also a primitive aspect of the mind related to survival and the storehouse of conditioned ideas and beliefs.
The egoic mind: The egoic mind is the aspect of the mind that reflects and is driven by the ego. It is the voice in our head that chats with us and chatters on. It is the ongoing mental commentary that we think of as our thoughts. The egoic mind is different from the functional or practical aspect of the mind that we use to read, learn, calculate, analyze, and so forth. The functional mind doesn't speak to us but is a tool we use when engaged in tasks that require us to think.
Conditioning: Our conditioning is comprised of beliefs, opinions, judgments, “shoulds,” and any number of other ideas that belong to our psychological makeup, most of which we acquired from other people, particularly from those who raised us, from our culture, and from what we have experienced and concluded about life. This conditioning affects what we like and don't like and how we see and react to the world, and we often respond unconsciously to it without realizing we have a choice.
Essence: Essence is who we really are, the divine Self that is living this life through us. It is our essential goodness. We are actually spiritual beings playing at being human beings.
Practices: To be done throughout the week:
1. Practice being aware of your thoughts. Where do thoughts come from? Thoughts arise out of nowhere. Just because a thought is happening in your own head doesn't mean it is any more true than a thought that arises in someone else's head. What is arising in your mind right now? Where did it come from? Someone? Something you read? Something you were taught? A TV commercial? Is it true? Is it wise? Is it useful in this moment? Is it helpful or destructive? How necessary are most of your thoughts? Do you need them to function? Do they help you function better or not? How do they make you feel?
2. Notice how uninterested the mind is in the present moment. It's fascinated with the past and the future, and it likes to evaluate the present, but the mind finds nothing of interest in the actual experience of the moment. Notice this. Notice how persistently your mind makes suggestions for thinking about something or doing something other than just being in the moment and responding to whatever is coming out of the moment. The mind has a job to do, and that job is to keep you out of the Now. How does your mind attempt to keep you out of the moment? Which tactics are the most successful at getting you to turn away from the Now? A memory? A fantasy? A desire? A fear? A should? A judgment? A thought about food, sex, time, imperfection, cleanliness, being successful, or how you look? How long do you actually stay in the Now before you go unconscious and rejoin the egoic mind?
3. Notice how much you like to be involved with the egoic mind and with thoughts about yourself and how your life is going. What wants to think is the ego, the false self; and what is capable of being aware of thoughts and of the desire to think is Essence. Whenever you are having the experience of thinking or wanting to think, it's also possible to realize that the Noticer (Essence) is perfectly content with just noticing whatever is arising in the moment and responding to that without a lot of thought.
Explorations: Do just one of these explorations, or inquiries, a day.
1. Take some time to examine what you are referring to when you think the thought "I." Try to find the I you're referring to when you're thinking about yourself. Can you locate it anywhere? You may point to your body when you say “I,” but the I isn't just the body is it? Does the I reside in the body? If it resides in the body, what is it that's aware of your body and your thoughts and even able to contemplate this question? Could that awareness be who you really are? Is awareness—consciousness—limited to the body or the mind? What if you were that awareness, and you were just pretending to be attached to a particular body-mind for the experience it provides consciousness? Who would you be then?
The real you is not your body, your mind, your personality, or any of the things you call yourself. What are such labels, after all? They are just ideas, concepts. Are you an idea, or are you what is aware of the ideas, labels, thoughts, desires, and feelings of a particular body-mind?
2. What are you aware of right now? If you are aware of a thought, ask: “Who or what is aware of this thought?” If you are aware of a feeling, ask: “Who or what is aware of this feeling?” If you are aware of a sensation, ask: “Who or what is aware of this sensation?” Take sufficient time with each of these questions to allow yourself to experience that which is aware of a thought, feeling, or sensation. The real you is what is aware of every thought, feeling, sound, sensation, intuition, urge, and insight—everything you are aware of. You are that which is experiencing this life, and That has no gender, age, past, future, or any other specific definition, but is pure Awareness, Consciousness. Who is it that is aware of the thoughts that define you? Is it the character you seem to be, or is there something else here that is character-less, that is just purely experiencing life, without ideas about liking or disliking, having or not having, wanting or not wanting?
3. Get a pencil and paper, and jot down a description of the character that your mind describes as you. What characteristics and qualities belong to that character? What does that character look like? How does that character behave? How does it feel much of the time? What are its beliefs? How does it see itself in relationship to others and to the world? This is the character you are playing, but it isn't who you really are. You are what is able to contemplate this character.
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