30 Days of Truth: Day 4-Someone You Need to Forgive

I need to forgive my mom. We haven't spoken since Thanksgiving. It's a very complicated relationship, but I have reached the point where I need to set boundaries to protect myself so I can function well in my life. Instead of taking responsibility for her own issues, she lashes out at me and blames and criticizes me. If only I would do things differently or talk to her with different words or tone of voice, she would feel better. She engulfs me in her problems and relies on me to either make it better or worse. I feel caught in a double bind. If I talk to her, I'm hurtful somehow. If I don't talk to her, I'm hurtful. All her misery is because of what I do or don't do. I won't take responsibility for someone else's happiness. It's not my job as a daughter to make or break her sense of well being. The emotional volatility and manipulation with guilt are toxic to my life. So I don't know what to say or do to fix it. At thanksgiving she got so upset with me that she changed her flight and left early. I need to forgive her, but so far I have been having trouble.

30 Days of Truth: Day 3 - Something You Need to Forgive Yourself For

 

Day 3:  Something You Need to Forgive Yourself For

 



I need to forgive myself for not calling or texting one of my friends back the day he died.  Of course, I didn't know he was going to die that day, and I had a good reason for not returning his text the night before, but the facts remain the same. He died the next day, and I never answered him.  He left this plane of existence with me actively ignoring him.  I know it's not my fault that he died, but I can't help but think and wonder if the ending of the story would have changed if I had answered him.  I will never get to know. 

30 Days of Truth: Day 2-Something You Love About Yourself

I love that I'm a fast learner.  You usually only have to tell me or show me once, and I got it. 
This trait has helped me succeed in school, on the job, and in my hobbies like playing the guitar.  I've always been good at memorizing numbers and names.  I memorize phone numbers by using visual patterns from the keypad. 

30 Days of Truth: Day 1 Something you Hate About Yourself

I found this challenge here:  (thanks for the idea!)

http://debiehive.blogspot.com/p/30-days-of-truth.html

Day one is something you hate about yourself.   I hate that I have chronic pain.  My neck and mid back have been hurting since 1989.  My low back started hurting when I injured my ankle in 2007.  I've had a total of sixteen surgeries including seven on my right leg (two on my ankle and five on my knee) and go to physical therapy two to three times a week to work on strengthening without injury.  I get monthly massages, Chinese foot reflexology, and I'd like to try Rolfing.  It sucks to be in pain because it makes me grumpy, and it keeps me from being as active as I would like to be. 

Daybook



 

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com

FOR TODAY  August 26, 2012

Outside my window...it's a cloudy day. 

I am thinking...about the kids.  Sierra had a busy week with her sorority doing rush.  We haven't had much of a chance to talk, but she seems to be very happy.  She sent pictures from her newly decorated apartment.  Brent graduates from boot camp soon.  We want to send a present to congratulate him on his accomplishment.  It's been great to keep up with what his company is doing on facebook. They've also posted several pictures.  Zoe and Thomas start school tomorrow (seventh and second grade respectively).  Zoe is out with her gram gram getting her nails done and her hair cut right now.  Thomas met his teacher this week and is all ready for the new school year.  Zoe is ready to go back and see her friends. 

I am thankful...for my family and friends.  Had a fun time this week making new friends on a girls' night out and also visiting with neighbors at happy hour last night.  I am thankful Joe made partner at his law firm this week!  It was his first time up for it, and he made it. Amazing!  I'm thankful for plenty of students to tutor.  It's been really fun helping kids fill gaps and get ready for the new school year this summer.

In the kitchen...baked chicken, leftover meatballs w/ marinara sauce, going out to dinner tonight, so not cooking anything right now.

I am wearing...black yoga pants and a gray and white striped tank top.

I am creating...learning more about playing the guitar - this week learned more notes to play when soloing.  Here are a couple of the songs I'm playing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhcnKYvzfZc  (Yellow Ledbetter by Pearl Jam)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRsJlAJvOSM  (Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton)

I am going...to PF Chang's for dinner with my in-laws to celebrate Joe making partner.  They have a great gluten free menu, so I can eat there.

I am wondering...how the first day of school will go for the kids tomorrow.  Sierra starts college sophomore classes.  Zoe starts second grade. Thomas starts second grade.  He said it's his goal to make at least one new friend on the first day of school.

I am reading...

I am hoping...for more sunny afternoons at the pool before it closes.

I am looking forward to...the house being quiet tomorrow.

I am learning...trigonometry on www.khanacademy.org

Around the house...laundry and dishes need doing.  Our housekeepers came a few days ago, so all the deep cleaning is done.  Zoe (12) does her own laundry now. My challenge is keeping up with mine, Joe's, and Thomas's.

I am pondering...what meals to make this week.  It will be the first week back at school, and I tutor after school and the kids have sports too.  We will be busy!  I want to make up a plan so I will be prepared and not have to drive through and eat junk food because it's quick. 

A favorite quote for today...
The most important pieces of equipment you need for doing yoga are your body and your mind.

Rodney Yee

One of my favorite things...yoga class on Sunday mornings. 

A few plans for the rest of the week:  tutoring after school and running Zoe to all her dance classes.  Thomas has early dismissal Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday this week. Taking him back in on Wednesday afternoon for assessment. 

A peek into my day...

Terms of Endearment

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086425/plotsummary

I watched Terms of Endearment the other night with Joe and Zoe. Joe had never seen it before, so it was on our 'to watch' list for a long time.  Zoe and I both cried a few times. Joe, not so much.  I don't know why I do it to myself, and I don't get why Joe doesn't feel moved by it, but I love watching this movie even though I cry every time.  It's touching.  I'm such a girl.

It's about life, love, and loss.  It's about the beauty and joy that life brings along with the sorrow and challenges that present themselves.  It's about family dynamics, between a mother and daughter, a husband and wife, and between mother, father, grandmother and children.  It's profoundly realistic, a movie we can all relate with.  No wonder it won awards.  Here is a list of some of the life lessons in this movie:

• Mothers and daughters don't always agree on things, but the lucky ones get along anyway.  They talk on the phone and try to understand each other when one is upset.  If they don't understand each other, they take time apart but love each other unconditionally. 
• Husbands and wives may love each other but don't always meet each other's needs.  It takes communication and dedication to the family.  
• Kids are damaged when they see and hear their parents fighting, yet there is unwavering love between a mother and her kids no matter what. 
• While all parents can't be perfect, we are all doing the best we can in juggling our desires and responsibilities. 
• Marriage is never easy. It takes compromise on the parts of both parties, but together you can take steps to do what's good for your family. 
• You are never too old to fall in love.
• Life can grab you by surprise when you least expect it. 
• When you find out you are going to lose someone, your entire perspective shifts. 
• When you do lose a loved one, you are faced with a choice of crumbling or doing what you have to do to continue living. 
• The spirit of a lost loved one lives in the hearts of all those who knew and loved that person.
• Life goes on.

Bo the Frog

So I was at FedEx yesterday and saw a bunch of these mushroom headed frogs for sale. Weird to see that at an office supply store. It caught my interest and I noticed the mushroom was an amanita mushroom (one known for its poisonous and hallucinogenic properties).

Why do I know this? I'm a huge REM fan, and a long time ago they wrote a song called Flowers of Guatemala. Here are the lyrics:

I took a picture that I'll have to send
People here are friendly and content
People here are colorful and bright
The flowers often bloom at night

Amanita is the name
The flowers cover everything
The flowers cover everything

There's something here I find hard to ignore
There's something that I've never seen before
Amanita is the name
They cover over everything
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/rem/the+flowers+of+guatemala_20115263.html ]
The flowers cover everything
They cover over everything
(Amanita is the name)
The flowers cover everything

Don't look into the sun
Don't look into the sun

The flowers cover everything
They cover over everything
The flowers cover everything

The flowers cover everything
They cover over everything
The flowers cover everything

There's something that I've never seen before
The flowers often bloom at night
Amanita is the name
They cover over everything

Once I heard that song I looked up amanita and have recognized the red with white polka dotted fungus ever since. I asked the guy at the cash register why they were selling those and he told me the proceeds go to protect forests. Cool. Then I asked if he knew those were hallucinogenic mushrooms. He answered "I guess if you're into that sort of thing." To which I replied, "well I'm not into that sort of thing but yes those are hallucinogenic mushrooms and I wonder why FedEx would choose that as some kind of mascot to support a cause." I don't think he knew what to say. So I took a picture, had a laugh, and got on with my day.

Joe had no idea what I was talking about when I told him last night. Apparently most people aren't aware of amanita mushrooms (is it just an REM fan thing?) in fact apparently Mario brothers has a character with a red and white polka dotted mushroom head.

Why are these companies choosing poisonous and hallucinogenic mushrooms to represent themselves? And why is the mushroom on the frog's head? Weird business decisions as far as I'm concerned, but whatever, it made me laugh!

In Search of Good Parents

I put so much pressure on myself to be a good mom.  Sometimes I feel that I spend so much time in my head dealing with Susanne's world that I wonder how good of a mom I am being.  I never got my bucket of self-esteem filled when I was a kid, and now it's my turn to fill my kids' buckets.  There is a lot I need to do to meet my own needs, and sometimes those things require me to be unplugged from my kids.  I do yoga and play guitar. I am working on a blogging habit.  I do math and tutor math.  I work out and do a lot to keep up with my health.  So how am I doing at being not only a person, but a mom?  I asked my kids to grade me as a mom with the following grading scale: A is excellent, B is above average, C is average, D is needing improvement, and F is failure.  My seven year old (boy)gave me an A-.  My twelve year old (girl) gave me a B-.  And my nineteen year old (girl) gave me an A. It's noteworthy to me that the tweenager graded me the lowest, and I suspect that's because we are currently having issues around allowing her more freedoms.

What are they grading me on?   I am pretty sure my kids would tell you I'm a lover, and that one of my favorite things to do is snuggle and cuddle.  I hope they would tell you they know how much they are loved and cherished.  I hope they would tell you they feel strong in who they are and that they believe in themselves.  I want them to dream big and take baby steps every day to realize their dreams.    I am learning to meet them halfway in their struggles and want them to feel like they can openly communicate with me.  I work on finding that fine line between providing structure and accountability and also allowing free time and opportunities for imagination. 

I wonder if I'm involved in their lives at school enough.  And I wonder what their childhood memories will be like when they are adults.  Because I'm becoming more aware as an adult of the effects my own parents had on me, it makes me super sensitive about the fact that each of my children were born uncarved blocks.  Everything I do and say writes on the slates of who they are and who they will become.  It's an amazing responsibility, one that I gladly signed up for, yet I am still learning to meet.

What is the definition of a good mom anyway? Every family is different. Times have changed over the years. Women are now juggling family and careers. Usually we look at the model of our own parents, but in my case looking at my parents as role models launches me into a fantasy land of ideal parents since I didn't have them.   Ideally, a 'good' mom loves her kids unconditionally, encourages and consoles them, disciplines and guides them. She shops and cooks, does laundry, and keeps the house clean. She keeps herself in good shape and pursues her own interests.  She looks nice when she goes out, and provides healthy meals and snacks for her growing family. She decorates the house to make it look lovely for her family and any guests that might stop by. She helps with homework and tells bedtime stories. She keeps track of all the appointments, signs all the important papers, and reminds kids to take their medicines on time.  She provides opportunities for her kids to learn and thrive.  A good mom does all these things and more and maintains composure in the midst of stressful times.  Good moms don't yell, well they don't yell very much.  Moms are human after all. 



For me, it is too much pressure (self-imposed I admit) to meet all those expectations to the tee.  I make those my goals, and I'm learning to accept it when I fall short.  One area where I fall short is the keeping the house clean part.  I refuse to do it all by myself even though I stay home full time.  We've broken up our chores in the house so the older kids do their own laundry, and nobody is stuck with cleaning the kitchen all the time (we split up breakfast, lunch, and dinner dishes).  Whoever cooks dinner never has to do the dishes too.  The kids are responsible for their own rooms, and we also split up the other common areas.  Did I also mention we have housekeepers? They come every two weeks, thank God! Because of chronic back pain, the deep cleaning would never get done if we didn't have help.  We barely keep up with the dishes, laundry, sweeping, and trash on a daily basis.   I resist the idea that it is strictly the mom's job to keep up with the entire house.  I resist the biblical idea that I was created from a man's rib and am here to be his 'happy helpmate.'  In my house, mom and dad are a united front and a team.  We teach our kids responsibility from an early age so they can also be part of the team. 

I am also a tough customer when it comes to my expectations of my husband to be a good dad.  He fits the bill.  He stepped up to be Sierra's step-dad when he didn't have to.  Commitment and a willingness to be a father is a very sexy trait in a man.  He went to law school and works hard at a great job to support us.  He fathered two more children with me after we got married.  He provides a comfortable home and lifestyle for us. He spends time with each child and develops relationships with each of them separately.    He drives the whole way to Florida and back on our vacations, loads and unloads the car. He literally does all the heavy lifting. 

Sierra's dad (my ex husband) is on the receiving end of my wrath because he fails at his duties. I won't drag him through the mud here. But I will say he is an absent father to Sierra. It breaks my heart for her, but I've accepted I can't make him be the kind of man he should be. And I'm forever grateful joe stepped up to be her stepfather! He can't replace her biological father, but he sure plays the role of her father every day through thick and thin. She turned 18 last year and changed her last name to Nelson to reflect how she feels about the men in her life.

It takes so much more than the act of creating a child to be a good parent. When I was born, my dad was cheating on my mom, and they separated when I was six months old. Apparently he didn't tell me he loved me during my first five years of life (important formative years). He paid monthly child support and advised us to rise to the top and stay there academically. But he wasn't exactly what I would call involved. Once-yearly visits stretched out and tapered off as we were teens, and I remember being sad that I was a girl and my Korean father had been raised in a culture that favors boys. I didn't understand why, but I saw it first hand when birthdays came and went without phone calls or cards, yet my brother got them.  He took us to play golf, paid my brother a dollar and me a quarter to be his caddies.  I got the message that I was not as worthy as my brother, and it was because I was a girl (something I had no control over).  So my reaction was to rebel. I thought that was stupid, and I thought he was stupid, and from then on I didn't want to listen to a word he said.  Although he worked at Cornell University and expected me to go there, I didn't get in and pursued a different path.  Perhaps my underachieving at school was my passive agressive way of saying don't tell me what to do. 

My mom raised me and my brother as a single mom working three jobs to make ends meet.  She was wounded in her own ways by her own parents and other outside factors and had difficulty raising a rebellious kid like me.  Affected by several mental health diagnoses, but in denial and non-medicated, she made sure we both knew we were loved, but there was also a lot of discord in my childhood home.  There was a lot of yelling and anger.  There was emotional manipulation.  There were guilt trips.  There absolutes like you 'must' do this and you 'must not' do that.  From an early age, I set out to get attention and validation elsewhere and became hell bent on creating a family of my own that would be different from the one I was born into. 

So here I am today, the engineer of a new family. I have the power to break the cycle of neglect and emotional abuse. My aim is to be the kind of parent I never had. Above all, I want my children to know they are ok the way they are because it's something apparently I never learned. It's harder to learn that as an adult. Looking at my kids, I'm filled with pride. They seem pretty well adjusted and that they live safe, comfortable, and happy lives. Zoe and Thomas have the incredible gift of growing up with both parents in the home. I'm going to keep loving all the kids and being the best mom I can be, even if I don't get strait As.

Daybook

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

FOR TODAY  August 4, 2012

Outside my window...it's the sun if finally on its way down.  No clouds today.  It's been so hot all week with temperatures above 100 pretty much every day.  Clear blue skies, another nice day in Texas if you can survive the heat.

I am thinking...about the big kids. Sierra just started her new job today. Brent is on a short break from boot camp. It's so nice to be able to text with them. Happy for both of them that they are out there in the world pursuing their interests.
I am thankful...for our house, for my family, for my health.

In the kitchen...chicken, potatoes, salad, chardonnay, spaghetti-o's (Thomas had a craving).

I am wearing...blue soffe shorts and a green pensacola beach tank top.

I am creating...just wrote a blog post about how I fell in love with math.  Going to play some more guitar tonight.  Working on a few songs including this one.

I am going...to yoga class in the morning. It's a great way to unwind and focus on the moment.

I am wondering...

I am reading...over my high school and college transcripts.  What a long strange trip it's been!

I am hoping...to lose weight.  Gaining, not losing...:(

I am looking forward to...seeing Sierra at the end of the month to move her into her new apartment at college.  I didn't get out there to see her at all last year, and I'm looking forward to being part of her world at school this year.  She's working now and will be moving into an apartment with other girls.

I am learning...to be the best mom I can be.  It's hard sometimes because I didn't have the greatest family growing up.  Parents divorced and my mom had it rough raising me and my brother.  Learning to be a different mom than the one I grew up with.

Around the house...a few baskets of laundry patiently wait for me.  Other than that, things are pretty under control.  Our fence outside needs fixing in a bad way and our landscaping guy won't return our messages, frustrating!

I am pondering...if I will ever be free from pain.

A favorite quote for today..."Wasn't it beautiful when everyone believed in you, and you believed in everything?" Taylor Swift

One of my favorite things...hugs!

A few plans for the rest of the week...family day tomorrow (probably the gym and pool) and tutoring a few kids this week.

A peek into my day...

Chick Fil A, Same Sex Marriage, and My Position

Today is August 1, 2012.  It's support Chick Fil A day.  They have recently been featured in the news because they have donated millions of dollars to anti-gay groups.  When the CEO was asked to comment on his donations to anti-gay charities, he said they operate on biblical principles (closed on Sundays) and support the traditional definition of marriage as it's stated in the bible.  In the bible, marriage is defined as between a man and a woman, and it is a sin to be homosexual.

We are all entitled to our opinions and free speech regarding same-sex marriage and everything else under the sun.  People who are eating at Chick Fil A are doing so to make a statement that they support the corporation's position against same sex marriage, and whether they realize it or not, they are financially supporting the corporation and all the charities they donate to when they purchase from Chick Fil A.  Some people are making it a freedom of speech issue, but what it really boils down to is do you support where they spend their dollars, not freedom of speech.

Chick Fil A is not alone in supporting controversial causes.  For example, KFC supports tiger habitat destruction.  McDonald's gets beef from the rainforest (where rainforests are cut down to provide land for the cattle to graze).  Tuna fisheries used to kill dolphins in their fishing nets.  If consumers are informed about where the corporations spend their money, they can make informed decisions about whom to support.  When the public became aware of the dolphin kill problem, they along with watchdog groups like Greenpeace put enough pressure on the industry to change their fishing practices and label cans of "dolphin-safe" tuna. 

Is it possible to be pro traditional marriage and pro same-sex marriage at the same time?  I say yes it is.  This is where religion and science have some crossover.  I am heterosexual and married to a man.  I support traditional marriage.  But it's not because of the bible.  It's because of science.  A species is defined as a group of organisms capable of producing fertile offspring.  It's not judgemental.  It doesn't say sex has to be between a man and a woman, but men and women make up the human species because the males and females are capable of breeding and producing viable offspring.  Traditional marriage is scientific marriage.  Men and women make babies and get married to share the workload in raising those babies.  That's the evolutionary reason for mating for life. 

I support homosexuals' rights to same-sex marriage and I also support traditional, scientific, offspring producing marriage.  Since much of the debate revolves around redefining the word, marriage, perhaps it could be solved by calling same-sex marriage just that, or maybe call it gay marriage, or some other verbage that sets it aside from male-female-offspring-producing marriage.  There is a win-win solution.  I don't see anything wrong with homosexual people who are committed for life to each other having the same rights as heterosexual couples.  Love is love is love.

Will I support Chick Fil A today? No thanks. Now that I know they funnel millions of dollars to anti-gay groups, I don't think I will give them any more of my dollars.  But should you eat there? If you support that cause, go for it.  It's not a free speech issue. It's an issue about the power of the consumer dollar.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/07/02/chick-fil-a-anti-gay-group-donations-_n_1644609.html
http://www.snopes.com/politics/sexuality/chickfila.asp