30 Days of Truth: Day 10-Someone You Need to Let Go, or Wish You Didn't Know.

Over the past several years, I've weeded out people from my life that I needed to let go.  I've let go of some toxic and fake relationships.  I've let go of male friendships that weren't healthy for my marriage.  I've let go of family members who are impossible to deal with.

I've been thinking about this question for days and feel that I don't have anyone I need to let go or wish I didn't know.  I'm a pretty real person.  If you like me great, if not, no problem.  I don't keep people in my life for no reason. 

The people I need to let go are the dearly departed.  I probably think too often of my friends and loved ones who have already passed away.  It makes me sad to think of each loss, and it makes me worried about when it will be my turn.  I worry about losing my husband or kids, and I worry about something happening to me.  I'm not sure where we were before we were born, and I'm not sure where we go after we die, so it's quite a conundrum for me to think about.  This life on this Earth is the only thing I am sure of, and too often it is cut short by tragedy.  Accidents and illnesses take our loved ones away before their time.  We are left here to cherish memories and hope to be reunited with our them sometime in the future.  Spending too much time thinking about people who are gone is probably not the healthiest thing for me. I could probably stand to let go of those haunting thoughts and unpleasant memories of saying goodbye forever.



Pain

You know what sucks? Pain. 

You know what sucks more? Learning that to be in less pain, I must cut back on exercising (hence become fat and unfit). 

I don't really like my choices here.  For my entire life, I've cared about my fitness and my appearance.  Now that I'm reaching mid-forties, I'm being told to cut back on exercising.  Cut back?  I need more! Are you kidding me? Have you seen my legs? 

I've been losing muscle tone and gaining fat for years now since I hurt my ankle playing over forty women's soccer.  (I should have known....hanging head in shame)  It was the beginning of a cascade of events that have led me to today.

First I rolled it running full speed playing soccer.  Little did I know that I have a leg length discrepancy. My right leg is longer, so I keep hurting it over and over again (to date I've had five knee surgeries and two ankle surgeries on my right leg).  A ligament partially tore, so I wore a boot and limped around until it healed.   Then in the spring of 2009, I decided to show Sierra (who was then trying out for varsity dance as a junior) that I could still do high kicks.  I did one, two, then three, then oh no I heard a snap and there I was lying on the floor crying, screaming and writhing in pain.  It turned out I tore the ATFL all the way off the bone and a  few tendons in the back (peroneus, brevis, and longus).

Fast forward three years to today.  I had the surgeries, I did the PT, and I'm still in pain.  Every day. And since my ankle isn't right, my knee isn't right, and since my knee isn't right, my lower back isn't right....and so it goes.  I had already been suffering from chronic pain in my neck and mid back from previous over-wear and tear.  Now that my lower back decided to join in, I'm just one ball of pain from neck to toe literally.

PT helps. Yoga helps.  Diet and hydration help.  Rest helps.  Working out doesn't help.  It flares me up every time.  My physical therapists tell me to stick with the baby steps before I try the more advanced exercises.  I've got to build up strength a little at a time.  I tend to overdo it and set myself back. 

Until my current flare-up settles down, I'm only allowed to swim and do five PT exercises which involve lying on the floor (neutral spine) and a physio ball and foam roller.  It's not like me, and I'm having trouble transitioning from my active lifestyle.  I really don't want to give up on fitness and stop exercising.  But I really can't function on a daily basis when I'm in pain.  Pain is a pain!

http://blog.traumeel.us/default.aspx?Tag=muscle%20and%20joint%20pain%20relief

30 Days of Truth: Day 9-Someone You Didn't Want to Let Go but Drifted Apart

The friend who comes to mind is someone I knew from my childhood (middle and high schools) and we reconnected as adults. She was my best friend for years.  Our girls were a year apart, and when I was living at my mom's house as a single mom, we practically talked and saw each other every single day. We used to stay on the phone for hours and talked about just about everything.  We saw each other at our worst moments and helped each other through some tough times.  We helped each other with our kids since I was single and her significant other wasn't very involved.  We were friends during her during her second pregnancy, and I was there when her son was born.  I felt honored to be there as a support person.  I moved away and got remarried and had my second daughter then we moved back to Virginia for five years.  My friend and I reconnected, and she was there for me to watch my daughters when I went to the hospital to give birth to my son.  We talked and visited and shared a wonderful friendship for many years. 

Sadly, it came to an end when she got mad at me over a misunderstanding during happy hour with other girlfriends.  I introduced one of my other friends to the hostess's husband and didn't introduce her.  She got her feelings hurt and exploded with many things she had been unhappy with me about but had previously kept to herself.  I was surprised and did everything I could to mend the relationship.  She told me she didn't like how I acted when I got around other girlfriends and we drank wine together.  I was sorry she felt that way and didn't mean to act differently toward her, but perception is reality, and her feelings were hurt.  Our friendship was never the same.

 I moved away again to Texas, and we visited Virginia in 2008.  I visited with my old friend, and our daughters spent some time together.  Things weren't the same, but it was nice to see her and talk again.  We had another fight the night before I was flying back to Texas over a bra that my daughter borrowed from her daughter.  She and her daughter called me multiple times that night to try to get the bra back.  I was in an argument with my husband, and it wasn't a good time to take their calls.  I offered to mail the bra back to her daughter once we got back to Texas as it wasn't a good time to deliver it back to her house.  Since I was already in a fiery mood because of the argument with my husband, this time I was the sharp one. I expressed frustration that she put zero effort into repairing our friendship, but now this bra was so important that she and her daughter called me over and over again even though I told them it wasn't a good time for me to talk.  At that point, our friendship ended for good.  Since then, we have totally drifted apart.  I haven't asked her to forgive me for getting mad at her that night, and she hasn't made any effort to be my friend.  Her daughter decided to be sassy to me online about her bra, and I decided to report her to her high school cheerleading coach since her parents weren't going to do anything to discipline her.  I'm pretty sure my ex-friend didn't appreciate me bringing her daughter's message to the school's attention, but as the parent of a high schooler at the time, I knew that frequently schools enforce respectful behavior on behalf of their athletes because how they act represents the school.  I mailed the bra back to her daughter and never heard from her again.  I've tried friending her on facebook, but she won't accept my friendship. 

We always had our differences, but we also had many similarities.  It's sad that our friendship fell apart, but in this case it seems that our differences tore us apart.   I wish we could be friends again, but I'm not holding my breath.  Once a friendship is broken, it's really hard to put it back together. 

30 Days of Truth: Day 8-Someone Who Has Made Your Life Hell

I've been thinking about this question for days.  I don't like focusing on negative people or experiences. It's difficult to answer this question without focusing on and giving more power to the negative person or people.  The best way to explain it is to write about how I grew from the experience.

What/Who was the problem, and how did I react to it?

How did I use that hellish feeling as an opportunity for growth? 

I realized I have already written this entry, just not under this title.  It's the entry called, "Pearls on a String" that sums up what happened on the day I quit my job in March 2012 (a first for me).  As a teacher, the administration can either make or break you unfortunately.  I learned some tough lessons about politics in the workplace, and I grew from the experience.  Some blessings come in disguise.

Here's a link:

http://susannenelson.blogspot.com/2012/07/pearls-on-string.html

 



And this song fits nicely here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

30 Days of Truth: Day 7-Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living

I'm dropping the 'for' at the end of this sentence on purpose. I don't think it belongs there.  Grammar aside, this question is well worth asking and answering.  My first thought was my husband. I gave it a couple of days, and my answer is still my husband, Joe.  He makes my life worth living.  I kind of don't like this question because to me all life is worth living.  But if you are going to ask me who is the most important person in my life and who is the person I couldn't live without, it is definitely Joe.

I met him in 1998 when he was a personal trainer at a gym (I was his 12:30 appointment one Sunday) and I had just moved to Reno, NV for my first teaching job.  We clicked right away, became quick friends and running mates.  I broke off an engagement with another guy (the guy I moved to Reno with) because it didn't make sense to me that I was to marry him when I spent all my time with my best friend Joe from the gym.  I was clear with Joe about my goals, to be remarried and to have another baby.  Sierra was six when we got married in 1999, and we had Zoe in 2000.  Let me talk for a minute about being a single mom with Sierra trying to find a new husband.  I was never at a lack for dates, but what was lacking was the kind of guy who was not afraid of commitment and fatherhood.  Joe stepped right up and loved Sierra because he loved me.  Amazing.

We married in 1999, had Zoe in 2000, and moved to Virginia in 2001 so he could start law school.  We had Thomas in 2004, and then I stopped working to be a full time mom.  In 2006, we moved to a bigger house in Texas, and just this year he made partner at his law firm in Dallas.  Although I returned to work for a few years, I'm now back at home full time and tutoring math part time.  Joe supports me in whatever I want to do.  Even as a stay home mom, he supports me in having 'me' time, and he helps out with grocery shopping and cooking now and then to give me a break.  He works hard for us to enjoy a nice quality of life.  He is my best friend and an excellent father to our kids. He spends time with them one on one so they can develop healthy relationships, so the kids can grow up assured that their father values them, something I lacked so much in my youth.

He made all my dreams come true and fathered two beautiful children with me.  He wants me to be happy, and he's there for me when I need him.  He is smart and challenges me intellectually.  He is sweet and loves me just the way I am.  He believes in me, and he says that I bring out the best in him.  Of course we have our issues and little fights like every married couple, but without Joe my life would fall apart.  He is my person, my rock, my soft place to land.  He makes my life worth living.

30 Days of Truth: Day 6-Something You Hope You Will Never Have to Do

I hope I never have to bury one of my kids. That may be a morbid thought, but it's real. It would be hard enough to lose a spouse. I can't imagine losing a child. I hope I never have to find out what it's like.

Saying a special prayer of loving, positive thoughts for all those parents out there who have lost a child <3

30 Days of Truth: Day 5-Something You Hope to Do In Your Life

"Heaven is finding happiness right where you are."

I hope to reach enlightenment if there is such a thing. At least that's what I strive for. I read this quote and although I'm not sure who wrote it, I love it. It fits the Buddhist ideas of releasing attachments, karma, and accepting impermanence on the path to spiritual enlightenment. Attachments cause suffering, and to be truly happy we have to learn to let go and go with the flow. I'm not a Buddhist, but I like these ideas for living. I'm practicing and learning these lessons every day. I count the many blessings in my life and aim to let go of negative experiences and work through obstacles. Most of all I hope to live a long healthy life with my family, and I hope to be the best person I can be.